Upon reflection, it will come as no surprise that this is the original contribution to The Journal of Contemporary Opinion. In a spirit of profound compassion for a seriously fucked-up species, it was selflessly forwarded by no less than the Tathagata of Cupertino himself--WisdomoftheEast.
A tribal elder in the utmost Himalayas is explaining the cosmological significance of Spirits. In order to make his meaning known in a fashion that will be most readily understood, he naturally turns to a metaphorical setting from the Old West as the arahats are gathered around the campfire.
"Well ya see, boys, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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