Connubial Triptych

Fred and Helen Baxter--suburban paragons caught in a web of karmic misadventure. Until a random uncoiling of events in which two pilgrims on a voyage into the marital unknown play out their fleeting roles on a tableau that could only be a passing scene on the road to...The Twilight Zone. (From the files of Mike Rashoff.)


I.

Fred comes home after work and is greeted by his wife, Helen, dressed in a see-through nightgown. "Tie me up," she murmurs, "and you can do anything you want."

He ties her up and lays rubber all the way to the driving range.

II.

Helen careens her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door behind her and shouts at the top of her lungs: "Fred, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"

Fred, gobsmacked, says: "Oh my God, I can’t believe it! What should I pack, honey? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she cries. "Just get the fuck out."


III.

Helen is frying eggs for Fred's breakfast. Without warning, Fred bursts through the door and explodes into the kitchen.

"Oh. My. Sweet. Jesus.” he cries incredulously, looking down at the frying pan. “For God’s sake , use your brain, woman, or we’re all gonna die. Careful…. Careful... Careful, I said! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST THEY’RE STICKING, PUT IN SOME MORE BUTTER! Will you look at THAT? I can’t believe it, you're cooking too many at once! Too many, I said. For chrissake, you idiot, turn down the heat! Now turn the egg...! TURN THEM NOW YOU FUCKING MORON! Oh god, we need more butter! Oh Jesus, where are we gonna get more butter? Look at that, they’re gonna STICK! Careful…. Careful…. I SAID BE CAREFUL, ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF???! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Now turn ‘em, Helen. I said turn those sonsabitches, you RETARD. Turn them! Hurry up! Are you INSANE? Have you lost your goddam MIND? I can’t believe it, you forgot to salt them… you forgot to salt them, YOU IMBECILE, you always do this, use the salt—USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

Helen stares at him aghast.

"What in the fuck is wrong with YOU? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

"Couldn't care less. Just wanted to make sure you knew what it’s like trying to drive a car with you in it.”