Deserts of Vast Eternity

I.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her specs on the table and failed to miss them until they’d driven twenty miles down the highway.

It was a further ten miles before they could find a place to turn around—just to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

The husband gradually morphed into the classic Irate Old Fuck all the way back. He complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more pissed off he became.

He didn’t let up on her, remaining on the offensive the entire way back.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

The woman had just gotten out of the car to retrieve her glasses when the geezer yelled out the window.

"And while you’re in there, you useless bitch, you might as well get the credit card and my hat."


II.

A couple in its nineties is having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget…"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm sure you'll forget that, why don’t you write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he replies testily: "I don't need to write it down, goddammit, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream—I got it, ferchrissake!”

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After twenty minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate a moment.

"Where's the fucking toast?"


III.

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


IV.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

During Morris' next follow-up the doctor says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc--'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

"I didn't say that,” ejaculated the doctor. ”I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful."


V.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress inquired kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."