Desire Under The Elm

In connection with his recent indictment for Crimes Against Humor™, The Journal's Left Coast Bureau Chief, Hugh Jorgen, has been placed on suspension [of the foreskin. --Ed.] by order of the Editorial Waterboard.

The Board will release its final finding together with sentencing next Wednesday.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in Baghdad-by-the-Bay, a dromomanic itinerant of the touristic persuasion chances upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly placed against the trunk.

"Just out of curiosity," inquires the pedestro- vagabondarian, "may I inquire what you are doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replies in classic high-church NoCa.

"Are you really."

"Yes. Would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, alright, why not," replies the ambulatorio, understandably curious and wanting to get into the spirit of the famously liberated city.

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it.

Whereupon the original tree hugger immediately slaps a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, takes his wallet, all his jewelry, his car keys, the $500 inflatable walking shoes, then strips him naked and with no further ado, takes his leave.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees the victim handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asks, "What in heaven's name happened to you?"

The victim quickly relates the whole terrible saga about how he came to be in this revolting predicament.

When he finishes telling his story, the nature lover shakes his head in sympathy.

Then he walks around behind the victim, slips his tongue into the man's ear and murmurs: "First, Welcome to San Francisco. Second, I don't think this is gonna be your day."