Salty Conundrum

"If it were possible to cross an agnostic with an insomniac dyslexic," writes Salty Slivers, The Journal's Perfidious Albion Bureau Chief, pictured right, "would this result in someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog?"

Born Hymen Ziegfeld Shapiro in 1898 to an Irish emigre family in Upper Hants, Salty Slivers was forcibly sex-changed at age 7 on the basis that it was either a clitoridectomy or else removal of both hands. Pursuant to a bad war dodging constant gunfire from members of her extended family, it graduated from King's College Cambridge where he distinguished herself by being the first woman to take a First in Fellatio. She was voted Epiglottis of the Year in 1952. Following a torrid affair with Kim Philby, during which time it starred in James Jesus Angleton's classic noir Dick Tater of the Proletariat, she hire-purchased religious conversion in 1961, going on to serve ten years in the Franciscan monastery at Gdansk, Polack where she serviced the labor movement, Solidarnosc. He lives today in the West Country of a large island off the coast of France.