Humphrey Bogart Elected President in Stunning Upset

JOCOP News Service. November 4, 2008. Bumfuck

In a stunning upset, Humphrey Bogart was elected by a 4% margin over Governor Michael Palin for the Presidency of the United States in a come-from-out-of-nowhere upset that electrified stunned media pundits, both major political parties and multinational liquor and tobacco companies, whose stocks surged on the announcement.

Bogart was the nearly-unknown write-in candidate of the National Alcoholic Party (NAP).

At a press conference at NAP headquarters in Forest Lawn Cemetary, called immediately after announcement of the final electoral results, the Washington Post correspondent asked Bogart for his reaction to the election result:

"I can only attribute the election result to an electorate that has finally woken up and smelled the vodka--it was time for a change and change is what the people are finally going to get. They may not like it--if they get slapped, they'll stay slapped. But if you can't even pull a voting lever correctly, you had it coming, end of story, see?"

The NYT lead reporter inquired:

"But what of your health, Mr President-elect. You've been dead for 50 years. Won't your Vice-Presidential candidate automatically assume office?"

"This is a common misconception. Many of the candidates running over the past 40 years have, by any functional definition, been terminally deceased. I addressed this issue during my campaign in depth--being dead is not Constitutionally defined nor is it necessarily a disqualification for holding office, anymore than those physical ailments which have characterized numerous Presidents over the period of time since my own personal interment. These have included Addison's Disease, Syphilis, Alzheimer's, Stupidity, Carter Spinal-Vacuum Syndrome, Diverticulitis, Constipation and, most recently in the case of my immediate predecessor, Infant Death Syndrome--his own."

"Who is your running mate, by the way?"

"Claude Rains."

"Forgive me for asking, Mr President-elect," ejaculated the Washington Post correspondent, "but what are the main planks of your platform? These did not come to the electorate's attention during the campaign, owing to the obscurity of your--"

"Hold it right there, Bub. For the past 40 years, the electorate has been higher than I ever was. I mean, the whole country's been ripped out of its mind. I'm just a piker--by comparison I'm stone cold sober. Look at my hands--dead steady. That's why I can run the country and they can't even buy a cuppa joe for less than six bucks. As for my platform, it's simple: The world is two drinks behind."

Ed Zachary of JOCOP News service inquired: "Mr President-elect, you face a shitload of problems that would overwhelm anyone actually alive, including two wars, 25 years of financial bubbles, a crumbling economy and a brain-dead electorate. Aren't you concerned this will impact your family as you dissolve in the Oval Office?"

"Ed, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that..."

"But Mr President-elect, the wire services are rife with reports that you have appointed nobody to your cabinet during this time of national crisis. Is there some rationale behind this refusal to get started on the nation's recovery."

Bogart shot back: "I stick my neck out for nobody."

Joe Kidd, National Correspondent for the Washington Post, interjected: "Mr Obama, as you may have noticed, I'm blind--visually challenged to the nth degree, can't see a goddamned thing, nada, nichts, rien, zippadeedoodah. It has been said you are able to heal the infirm, the diseased, the weak and the poor, the insane, the syphilitic and the Republicans with a mere glance. Unprofessional as it may seem, I'm asking you now, selfishly, to cure my blindness."

"Here's looking at you, Kidd," replied Bogart.

The next press conference is scheduled for next Thursday.