First Do No Harm

An obscure Congressman wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor enters and says, "Aha! I see you've regained consciousness, Senator. That's excellent. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a head-on collision with a trailer tractor driven by a Democrat on the Santa Monica freeway. Don't worry--you're going to be alright, you'll walk again, you may even play the violin again, even though you couldn't before...."

"But something else happened...and I'm trying to break this to you gently, your excellency. But the fact is, your willy was severed in the wreck. And we were unable to find it."

The patient lets out a groan of existential despair that continues for a full minute while one Congressional intern after another flashes before his eyes like a bad Power-Point presentation on Demerol. But the physician simply waits until the people's representative regains his self-control; and then continues: "Naturally, as a member of Congress you've got so much insurance coverage, we frankly don't quite know how to piss it all away. Yet. Let me rephrase that--'pissing it all away' may be an unfortunate locution in this context.... In any case, the good news is that we are now in a position to make our new incredibly overpriced nanotechnological procedure available to you to build you a new love tricep that will work as well as your old one did--only better! But the problem is, the procedure is implemented on an inch-by-inch basis only. No fractions. Just inches."

At this, the solon revives a bit, then definitely perks up.

"So", says the physician, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'll need to discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch tallywhacker before and you go for the nine-inch, the wife might be a bit put off. On the other hand, if you had a nine-inch pile-driver before and you go for the five-inch now, she might be rather disappointed. So, professionally speaking and with an eye out for possible malpractice action at any given moment, it's an important decision that you and your wife should seriously talk over."

"Yes, I see what you mean, doctor. I'll talk it over with my lovely Francine and get back to you."

The next afternoon, the sawbones re-enters the deluxe, no expense spared single room and says, "Well, feeling slightly better today, are we? So--did you have a chance to discuss the matter we went over yesterday with the little woman?"

"I have," says the patient.

"And she has helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes she has," replies the legislator in the body cast.

"And what have you decided, then?" the doctor inquires.

"We're gonna go with the new 12-bedroom bungalow in Brentwood."

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