Eight Stories

I.

When my husband and I arrived at the automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked inside the car. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey!" I exclaimed to the technician, "it's open!"

"I know," he replied. "I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Missouri.

II.

We had to have the automatic garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor.

I thought for a minute, then explained that we had the largest one Sears made, a 1/2 horsepower unit.

He shook his head in weary resignation and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

"'I'm afraid not, ma'am. Four is larger than two."


III.

My daughter and I rolled up to the McDonald's take-out window. Our total was $4.25.

I handed the clerk a five dollar bill and a quarter.

She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to fetch the manager who approached the window and asked me to repeat my request.

I did so and he handed me back the quarter, saying "We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing here." The clerk then handed me $1.75 in change.

IV.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee inquired, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded: "That's why we ask."

V.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it is a signal for blind people to indicate when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What are blind people doing driving automobiles?!'

She was a senior probation officer in Wichita , Kansas.

VI.

The company held a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'

Our manager rose to speak with the requisite upbeat countenance.

"Y'know, this is fun! We should do this more often!"

This was at Texas Instruments.


VII.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip into itself. She carefully examined the wiring. She could not understand why she could not turn on her computer.

She was a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office.

VIII.

It was the first day of school in Kansas City, Missouri. Getting to know her students, the kindergarten teacher inquired how to pronounce a little girl's name.

"Le-a?"

"No."

"Leah?"

"No."

"Lee-Ah?"

"No."

"Lay-a?"

"No."

"Lay-eee?"

"No."

The teacher contacted the child's mother to clear this up so as to avert any problem with socialization associated with the little girl's name.

The mother was irate. She could not understand why the school couldn't get a simple matter like the child's name right.

"It's pronounced 'LeDASHha!'" she angrily informed the teacher.

"Ledasha?" inquired the teacher.

"Yes, goddammit! Ledasha! The dash don't be silent!"

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