Advance Australia Fair

By unpopular demand, the following specimens of Aussie humor are published because the bloody cheapskytes wouldn't shout the Managing Eddidah another six coldies without it.

I.

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish in the early hours of the Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight savings.

I said, “Bloody idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”


II.

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor Islamic orphans.

I said, “Fuck that, mate. Knowing my luck, I’d win one.”


III.

Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.”

"That's right, Sheila," he replies, “and if you take it up the arse and let me come on your face, we could let the nanny go.”


IV.

Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough?

Bullshit. I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard.


V.

Bloke gets a call from the police reporting his house'd been robbed.

The offenders had also drunk all his beer and raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes.

Then the cobber says: “I can’t believe they fucked the wife after only five cans--”


VI.

Got this text from my brother recently: “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock."

"Yeh. So what?"

"It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat.”


VII.

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I should have legged it right then.

But you don’t get offers like that every day.


VII.

The wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I'm coming or going.”

“Judging by the look on your face," I says," you’re Going. 'Cos when you’re coming you look like an ankle biter with Down Syndrome trying to whistle."


VIII.

Saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I rooted a sheila named Penny.


IX.

The wife's got her knickers in a twist again.

After I got back from the hotel, I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper.

X.

When asked in a recent survey, 91 per cent of Australian men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child.

Obviously none of them had ever seen 25 Poms being run down by a road train.

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