As The Euro Turns

We hear organ music. Not saying whose but we hear it, signalling the start of another exciting episode of the Soap that's taken the world of handwringing innumeracy by Sturm und Drang: "As The Euro Turns," starring Brittany Spears as Angela Merkel, Paris Hilton as Christine LaGarde, PeeWee Herman as Nicky Sarkozy, WH Auden as George Papadopoulos and David Marvin Mailer as Silvio Berlusconi.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited an Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor, he wondered aloud how his host could afford such a house. The Italian mayor said, "See that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge. But by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built."

The following year the Italian, now a deputy Prime Minister, visited the Greek mayor’s town. He was astounded by the grandeur and overkill of the Greek Mayor's house--solid gold taps, marble doorways, terrazzo floors, indoor toilet.

When the Italian asked how his Greek former counterpart had managed this scam, the Greek said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian mayor replied, "No."

Scottish Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.


The town folk heard they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply, which in Scotland is...unusual. They journeyed to the land of Robbie Burns, discovered the inhabitants had ransacked the local distillery and were drunker even than the Irish, bought the cow cheaply and returned to Eire.


The cow was, comment on dit, Awesome. Yes. Awesome. That is to say, it produced excellent milk in quantity. This is the definition of Awesome.


The Eireans, desirous of creating a herd, procured a massive payout from Brussels, drank most of it, then hired a prize-winning stud bull to mate with the cow--her name was Fionnula. If/when they sobered up, they would never have to worry about milk again.


They installed the bull in the pasture and escorted Fionnula into his presence with great enthusiasm, winking, nudging, etc.


Alas, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.


No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he--his name was John Thomas--was never able to fulfill his genetic destiny.


And lo, The People were upset and decided to bring in the veterinarian who was very wise and known the world over.


"Whenever Johnny tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the side, she walks away to the other side."


The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,


"Did ya by chance, buy the feckin cow in Scotland?"


The People were dumbfounded. No one had mentioned to the vet they had brought the cow over from Scotland.


"Verily, thou art truly wise, Vettie," they cried in unison. "Prithee, how did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"


The vet replied with a distant look in his eye.


"My wife is from Scotland."


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We Regret

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Barrett,

We regret to inform you that your son passed away inside a short time hotel in a well-known adult entertainment area of Bangkok. Although we realize this news will come as a terrible shock to you, you may take comfort in knowing that your son did not die alone but was comforted by those he loved. (Please see enclosed invoices from Mlles. Lek and Noy.)

We are assured by those who knew him that he was well regarded, if not by the entire Bangkok community, certainly by many who knew him from inside Nana Plaza and whose bar bills he had settled prior to his demise. We know you would wish to honor his memory by paying off the four enclosed invoices in full.

The first invoice is for 4,000 baht, that is, 2,000 baht apiece from the two aforementioned young entertainment providers of Nana Plaza, Lek from the Erotica Bar and Noy from Playskool A Go Go.

The second is for certain items which your son is believed to have rented for the occasion from a club known as Demonia, formerly known as Cave Bar, Sukhumvit Road, Soi 33. These items include one leather flogger, one pair of handcuffs and assorted restraints, one braided kangaroo leather whip with horsehair tips, two pairs of leather lace-up bustiers, black leather lace-up shorts with matching black leather zip-up bras, bootcamp officer uniform including beret and campaign medals, jail bait costume including gingham plaid mini-skirt and pink hair ribbons and various schoolbooks such as Social Responsibility & Massage Parlor Management 101, wet look cleavage dress with slogan “My Sugar Daddy Reads The Big Chilli,” ruby-red ballet slippers with studded insteps and ankle straps, one battery-operated Bill Clinton cigar-shaped vibrator with repeating voice “I feel your pain,” one pair of unisexual handmade nipple clips, two “daddy’s little helper” baby doll fishnet thong teddys with ostrich feather trimming and stretched garter belts, two glow-in-the-dark G-strings, and, finally, two CDs with similar titles but dissimilar subject matter: The first is Anna and her Sisters. The second is Anna does her sisters. The total amount of this invoice is 9,660 baht. And twelve satang.

Third, there is the invoice for 380 baht from the hotel itself as your son apparently did not pay in advance. According to our sources, your son was allowed to settle his bill after his stays as he was a regular and welcome client at that establishment. The first part of this invoice for 300 baht reflects the special frequent guest price for the Gigolo Room, complete with wall and ceiling mirrors, vibrating bed, bag ladies in bondage wallpaper, and short-time shower with rubber hose. The remaining 80 baht charge is for your son’s purchase of four silky smooth, natural rubber, lubricated, deep-ribbed, ultra-sensitive, flare-shaped, latex condoms with reservoir tips, electronically textured for mutual pleasure.

Finally, we include the invoice passed on to us from the Thai Tourist Police Squadron, Nana Branch. We regret to mention that the Thai police found that one of the girl’s ID cards was false and the girl in question was under legal age according to the laws of Thailand. Your son is therefore being sued posthumously for having had sex with a minor but we are told, off the record, that if you pay the enclosed invoice of 40,000 baht promptly no further action will be taken.

On a happier note, we are pleased to enclose a gift certificate to the Chao Phraya II Massage Parlor which was found among your son’s possessions. We realize it would now be of little use to your son but perhaps you know of someone planning a trip to Thailand and you could pass it along.

You are no doubt aware that your son left written instructions to the effect that in the event of his passing he should be cremated, and, as this was prepaid, this has been carried out according to his wishes. Unfortunately, the prepaid amount was not quite enough to have your son’s ashes placed within the grounds of a temple, but we think you will be pleased to learn that your son’s ashes are to be auctioned off forcharity at the next Nanapong.com go-go contest which will be held in Nana Plaza’s Angel Witch bar in the very near future.

Again, we express our deepest sympathy for your loss and please note, regarding your remittance, the exchange rate between the baht and American dollar is now THB30 to one US dollar.

Very sincerely yours,

Citizen Services Section
US Embassy
Bangkok

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Int. Pharmacy. Night.

Siggy: Give me three packets of ribbed, lubricated extra large condoms, bitte.

Cashier: Jawohl, Herr Doktor! Would you like that with a perfectly anonymous, plain brown paper bag?

Siggy: Not necessary. She's not that ugly.

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