When The Sun Refuse To Shine

As The Euro Turns

We hear organ music. Not saying whose but we hear it, signalling the start of another exciting episode of the Soap that's taken the world of handwringing innumeracy by Sturm und Drang: "As The Euro Turns," starring Brittany Spears as Angela Merkel, Paris Hilton as Christine LaGarde, PeeWee Herman as Nicky Sarkozy, WH Auden as George Papadopoulos and David Marvin Mailer as Silvio Berlusconi.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited an Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor, he wondered aloud how his host could afford such a house. The Italian mayor said, "See that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge. But by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built."

The following year the Italian, now a deputy Prime Minister, visited the Greek mayor’s town. He was astounded by the grandeur and overkill of the Greek Mayor's house--solid gold taps, marble doorways, terrazzo floors, indoor toilet.

When the Italian asked how his Greek former counterpart had managed this scam, the Greek said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian mayor replied, "No."

Havin' My Baby

Elton and David had their sperm mixed together and a carefully selected (human) surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born, the proud new parents were ushered into the post-natal ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, however, one baby was lying quietly in total serenity.

A nurse approached the enthralled new parents and indicated that the one happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is perfectly content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

"Oh sure, he's happy now," said the nurse. "But just wait 'till I pull the pacifier out of his ass."

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Amicable Separation

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No Ears

Sadly, Steve was born without ears. Though he proved spectacularly successful in business, his deformity was a source of great personal sorrow. However, on the advice of his psychoanalyst, he never shrank from the issue and always came to terms with it in the course of running his fledgling black box LDCA (Long Distance Charge Avoider) business.

One day he had to hire a new Executive V.P. who would need to be unusually skilled in order that even salesmen might learn to use the primitive device to ace out Ma Bell.

The first applicant was quite good. He knew everything he needed to know and was a fascinating conversationalist. But at the end of the interview, Steve inquired: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well yes," the applicant replied. "Um, I couldn't help but notice...you have no ears."

Steve did not appreciate the tone or candor and demanded the applicant leave the office immediately.

He was inwardly seething but managed to regain his self-control.

The second interview was with a woman in possession of no mammaries whatsoever who was even more qualified than the first applicant. She performed magnificently.

In the interest of fairness, Steve felt compelled near the end to ask her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she stammered, "you don't seem to have any ears?"

Steve lost control this time and physically chucked her out of the office in a black rage for which he later settled out of court.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA at the country's pre-eminent East Coast diploma mill. He was intelligent, impeccably attired, handsome as Cary Grant and he seemed to have an innate intuition for the business that put the first two applicants combined to shame.

Steve now felt a certain anxiety. But he was again compelled to ask the necessary question of the young man so as to lay the groundwork for spectacular future profits.

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Yes! Unless I'm quite mistaken, you wear contact lenses."

Steve was stunned. The interview fell into total silence while he contemplated this revelation of profound cognitive insight within this, the most select of individuals.

Then, of course, he realized that, as usual with Masters of Business Administration, this was a person of finely honed intellect who had acquired incredible powers of observation during his post-graduate studies at the hands of the most skilled instructors of managerial science known to man.

"Well! I'm pleasantly surprised!" ejaculated Steve. "But, please--how exactly could you tell?"

"Oh that," pooh-poohed the MBA. "Simply pure logic."

"How's that?" inquired Steve.

"Well. It'd be pretty hard to wear glasses without ears."

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The Romance of Flight

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Homo Sap

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty: "Talking Dog For Sale." He pulls up to the shack, rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy walks around to the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever standing there.

"You talk?" the man inquires.

"I give it my best shot," the lab replies.

The guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk and manages to inquire: "Uh, so what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. Naturally, I wanted to make a contribution to Homo Sapiens, a dog's best friend, so I decided to go to work for the U.S. government--I joined the CIA."

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies, has-been actors, world leaders: no one ever figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was their most valuable agent for eight years running. But the air travel really took it out of me and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible conspiracies, mostly involving airline employees, and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Finally, I got married, had a mess of puppies. Now I'm just retired."

Jezuz H. Christ, thinks the human guy to himself. He heads back into the shack and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," replies the owner.

"Ten dollars??!! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him for ten lousy bucks?"

"Because he's nothin' but a goddam liar. He never did any of that shit."

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Death in Blighty. And Elsewhere.

Pall Nosiree, renowned automotive authority and traditional 'four-on-the-floor' technician, recently had his star removed from the wall in Langley, VA. Ooops.


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife's.”

“What happened to her?”

The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law, she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied, “Get in line.”

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Caliphate. Le Parfum.

With thanks to Darrin H. of australianidentity.net.

Siddiqui (of the otherwise commercially profligate but in this instance strictly non-alcohol Siddiquies) arrived in Sydney and was barely six weeks into target acquisition when he fell critically ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of the unbelievers were of any use.

Desperate, he had no choice but to turn to his contacts in the State Department in D.C. who instantly directed him to a moderately genocidal Saudi Wahab practitioner who listened briefly to Siddiqui's list of symptoms, nodded sagely and quickly squeeked: "Take thees bocket, go into the other room, sheet into the bocket, piss on the sheet and then place you face directly over and down into the bocket and breathe in for ten minutes. Hamdellalah!

Siddiqui dutifully picked up the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and consumed the fumes for the prescribed full ten minutes.

Rushing back to the doctor's surgery, and completely ignoring the six seriously wounded explosives technicians patiently biding their time in the waiting room, he burst in and exclaimed: "Allahu Akbar! It worked! I feel terrific! I am ready for total Jihad! What was wrong with me?"

"You were homesick."

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Three Step Programme

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The Rhyde of the Ancient Mariner

An ancient seaman by the name of Morgan, on the beach for many years, dons his old uniform and heads for the docks one last time to pay his final respects to Neptune.

At a public bar, he soon engages a professional woman who is not destined for a corporate VP slot and follows her ample lead up the stairwell to the short time facility in what appears to be the port's least fashionable hotel.

In due course, he's progressing as well as he can, given the fact he is 82 years old. But in need of reassurance despite the massive 500mg dose of sildenafil citrate he skolled while barely making it up the stairwell, he inquires of his interlocutor: "Hey, baby, how am I doing?"

The pudendic practioner replies: "Well, old timer, you're doing right around three knots."

"Three knots?' he asks, introducing a sudden hiatus into the proceedings. "Isn't that a little slow?"

"Well, let me put it to you, as it were, another way, Admiral. You're knot hard, you're knot in...and you're knot getting a refund."

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Oh I Could Write a Sonnet

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Hugh Jorgen Redux

For God So Loved The World

A burglar broke into a house one night. He scanned the room with his flashlight, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark spoke:

"Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin. He doused the flashlight immediately, then froze.

When he'd heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head to clear his mind, then continued searching with the flashlight.

Just as he'd pulled the stereo out a bit so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

"Jesus is watching you."

Panicked, he shone the light around the room frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his light came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes. Yes I did," the parrot confessed, then squawked. "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me? You're a goddamned bird. Who are you to warn me?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses!?" the burglar laughed. "What the fuck kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

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Metamorphosis

As David Marvin Mailer awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic Henny Youngman.

Badumpbump.


I.

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.


II.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

Lady behind the till fetches a KitKat Chunky and places it on the counter.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."


III.

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings from the Seventies so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green; and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a great big red mark on her forehead.


IV.

I was at the ATM when a very old lady walks up, extends her Cashpoint card and asks me to check her balance.

I pushed her over.


V.

A man walks into the library and asks for a book on suicide.

"Fuck off," replies the librarian. "You'll never bring it back."


VI.

Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

"Gerroff, mate! That was bloody impressive!"

"Ah, nothin' to it, I get lots o' practice. The wife's an epileptic."


VII.

An intellectual suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "You haram uncleans! You've got 30 seconds to clear off! Allahu Akbar!"

The Great Gazan Tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "Wrong shop, ya cunt!"

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Five Stories

I.

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a shit."

II.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

III.

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "As you may recall, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'No! That would hurt!'"

IV.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

V.

I was walking down the street and saw my Afghani neighbor, Iqbal, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "Yo, Iqbal, what's wrong? Won't it start?"

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Wile E. Coyote's Blue Period

Law. And Ordure.

The 16 year old girl approaches her mother for an old fashioned heart-to heart while Mom is preparing the mashed potatoes to go with the meatloaf at the nuclear family repast which occurs every evening without fail, just after "Ozzie and Harriet."

"Mom, I had a question...?"

"Why, sure, Hon. What's on your mind?"

"Well, I was just wondering if you can get pregnant if you have anal sex."

"Of course you can, Hon! Where the fuck do you think lawyers come from?"

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Sven and Ole Redux

Ole and Sven are drinking buddies who work as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

So Ole says, "By gor, I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too! Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane and get totally legless.

Next morning Ole wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! No hangover! No side effects! Nothing!

The phone rings. It's Sven who asks: "How iss yew feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No! Dat yet fuel iss great stuff--no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often!"

"Yah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting Ole."

Ole asks, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No."

"Vell don't. 'Cause I'm in Milvaukee"

Love At Last

Once upon a time there was a man so hideous in visage that he made Nancy Pelosi look like a normal guy.

So, this ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks? Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks--just like in the movies. Naturally, I went right over there and cut her free. Then I took her back to my place."

"Anyway," he concluded, "to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, in every position known to man!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sonofabitch! Was she pretty?"

"Dunno.... Never found the head!"