What a Wonderful World

What a refreshing change this allegory is from the customary grist for the mills of gender war, corporate buggery, sectarian colonicism, cheapening of the currency and pandemic torpidity. Perhaps the reader too will sense the insistent voice of solace in this story of spiritual vicissitude which, surprisingly, comes from the desk of the normally cynical, embittered, pissed off and generally dyspeptic Hugh Jorgen, our Senior Left Coast Bureau Chief.


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was already in attack mode and closing fast.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to deliver the coup de grace.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone down from the firmament upon the man below and an ethereal, woofer-busting voice came out of the sky.

"You denied my existence all these years. You told others I did not exist. You credited creation to a cosmic accident. And now you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The voice paused, then went on: "Am I now to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, although without faith, was also no hypocrite. He looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now," he humbly intoned. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"I heartily thank you, O Lord, for this thy bounty which I am about to receive and for which I am truly grateful. Amen."