Free Paris Hilton

June 9, 2007

Pursuant to an emergency Editorial Board meeting this morning at the Rheum Room, world famous watering hole at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn, the board unanimously voted.

Several rounds later, The Journal’s legal counsel, Ed Zachary, moved that the board direct the Managing Editor to prepare an editorial statement in the time-honored tradition of Emile Zola, taking utmost and righteous exception to the violation of Ms Paris Hilton’s civil rights even as we speak.

Ms Hilton, pictured right, is shown during a posthumous charity appearance last week at the Beverly Hills VFW.

There are two undeniable aspects in this case which are beyond dispute.

Additionally, there can be no doubt that the death penalty was a grievously inappropriate punishment in a DUI case, according to our legal counsel, Ed Zachary.

The Journal joins with its fellow major news organizations—our competitors come to think of it (what a bunch of assholes)—in urging the NYPD to effect Ms Hilton’s release immediately if not sooner.

The world cries out for redress of this incredible miscarriage of Just Ice™.

We at The Journal shall not sleep until this scar on the nose of Just Ice™ is rhinoplastered off the face of the earth.

Waiter!