Men are from Tijuana, Women are from Uranus

The following tear jerker was "forwarded" from Mike Rashoff and should be read with the (ripped MP3) soundtrack from "The Bold and The Beautiful" playing on Winamp. Mike claims he heard it from a colleague at the office water-cooler. Uh huh. He's been retired for the past 37 years and takes his vacations wandering around the parking lot at Costco.

One evening last week, the wife and I were getting into bed. I was feeling horny as hell, starting to make the move and the wife says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "I beg your pardon? What was that?"

"You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to an expensive lunch and then went shopping at a well-known high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different and very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just take them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet--she wouldn't know Venus Williams from Venus de Milo. I just told her, "That's fine, honey, we'll take it."

By this time, she was visibly approaching a state of sensual exaltation nearing orgasm. Smiling with flushed anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all, dear. Let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself: "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face went white, her jaw dropped. The bottom had dropped out of her universe.

I then said, "Really honey--I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

Just when she looked like she was going to call her attorney, I said: "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"