When Will We Stop Coddling These Criminals?

From our own Far East Senior Inappropriate Animal Appreciation Bureau Chief, who recently finished his own sentence for first degree canine penetration at the Phnom Penh Institute for Corrective Liquidation (which failed to make an impression in his case) comes this fascinating anecdote he heard later from another ex-con at the bestial-aluminical section of The Log Cabin Buffet in the Men's Shitter at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn.


A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for fifteen years.

He breaks into an as-yet unforeclosed suburban house searching for money and guns.

In the bedroom, however, he is surprised to find a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and disappears into the bathroom.

While he's in the bog, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is obviously an escaped convict--just look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, it's not worth it, he might kill you. Do whatever he tells you to do! Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is visibly violent--if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong, honey. I love you, no matter what!'"

His wife considers this a few seconds and then turns to the husband: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering In my ear. He told me that he's brutally gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline in the toilet. I told him it was in the medicine chest somewhere behind the vaginal deodorant. So be strong! I love you, too, darling!!"

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