Exclusive! Alaskan Funeral!

The Journal is proud to break the following story which the rest of our sildenafil citrate-addicted 24/7 competitors--NYT, CNN, Al Jizeera, San Fagsicko Chronic, Christian Science Hall Monitor, Gay Review, et al--have somehow failed to cover, primarily via sloth, dipsomania, chronic diverticulitis, failed rehab, playground molestation syndrome, syphilis and an unusually high percentage of testicular melanoma diagnoses.

Sarah Palin's former membership in Wasilla Assembly of God (WAG) may be well-known, as is her devotion to her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

What was not known until now was President-to-be Palin's stint as an assistant pastor at WAG, a heart-felt testimonial from which we present the following excerpt.


As a young assistant ministerette in Alaska, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man who had no family or friends [lucky sonofabitch. --Ed.].

The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the the forest, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area and I soon became lost. Being a typical American androgyne, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, their lunch break being now over. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I soared to previously unknown oratorical heights of "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!"

The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I never felt closer to Jesus....

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before...and I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years."

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