Exclusive Interview with Alan Greenspan

The Journal’s Senior Economics and Free Market Collapse Correspondent, Ed Zachary, was fortunate to run into Alan Greenspan who, as Chairman of the Federal Reserve from 1987 to 1996 paved the way for the buoyancy which currently reigns supreme throughout the G-7 and 4-F economies. They encountered one another by accident in the Women’s Shitter at the New York Stock Exchange, both in search of (a) a drink and (b) Andy Warhol. As Greenspan had gotten an early start that morning with a refreshing 1978 Châteauneuf-du-Pape, followed in quick succession by a liter of Fundador, the great man readily agreed to an interview with Zachary, as follows:


Zachary: Chairman Greenspan, readers of The Journal would like to know more about the basic groundwork you performed in paving the way for the wealth and prosperity which pervades the world of short sellers today, with the exception of those who took their own lives during yesterday’s dead cat bounce.


Greenspan: Well, thank you for those kind words. You may not be familiar with my background at the Julliard School of Music where I was busily preparing myself for a future in the Jazz industry. I was doing fine until The Great Depression when I had to turn to finance in order to do to it what I did to jazz.


Zachary: Well, I had been aware of your musical precedents. But do you feel this contributed in any way to the Toxicity—a word I hope to be using about every four seconds, my employer is in competition with a real bunch of pricks, so we have to start using Toxicity—which has led to the rampant wealth creation which we see for those shorting the S&P500.


Greenspan: To the best of my recollection, the best known trombone solo of all time is the soaring cry of frenzied sexual intoxication which bifurcates “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”—the famous Frank Sinatra (a personal friend, by the way) rendition backed by the Nelson Riddle Orchestra recorded at Capitol Studios. That magnificent musical phenomenon was by none other than the late, great Milt Bernhart. Whom I knew well.


Zachary: Late? I thought he was still alive.


Greenspan: Alas, he took his life after Lehman. I told him to steer clear of the investment banks. But would he listen? Noooooooooo.


Zachary: Do you feel that your reputation has been besmirched by the huge upsurge of interest in the financial markets over the past few months, particularly, as it were, on the bearish side?


Greenspan: Would you believe I had a job offer from Bix Beiderbecke which, looking back, discombobulates me intensely because I didn’t take it, choosing instead to enter this business, pervaded as it is by rectal illuminaries. Try to imagine, if you will, the lyrical solitude of my coronet pirouetting like Fred Astaire over the main coda of Duke Ellington’s magnificent "Sophisticated Lady." I knew Duke, of course. Fortunately he died 30 years before The End. But that subtracts nothing from his oeuvre.

By they way, if you think journalism is chockablock with what you charmingly refer to in the vernacular as ‘chickenshit motherfuckers,’ you should sit in on a few Fed meetings. But that is neither here nor there.


Zachary: You were famously quoted, in 1996, as warning against “irrational exuberance” in connection with the stock markets. Do you wish now that you had drawn more attention at that time to the ticking time bomb of the derivative markets, as did Warren Buffett?


Greenspan: I know Warren well. We are very close. Not too close, of course, neither of us are gay. Did you know he is part Negro? On several occasions we would take time out from the trials and tribulations of Finance to revel in the atonal dissonance of Count Basie’s piano solos. I knew Count Basie, by the way. I was scheduled to appear with him on a CNBC symposium but he unfortunately died 15 years earlier. CNBC is a great network, I particularly enjoy the cheerful banter of the Squawkbox crew as the markets tank. I do feel however that the soundtrack music used on these financial programs is inappropriate, based on heavy metal rock ‘n’ roll, inappropriate, that is, as it may be for those Baby Boomers who thought they were on the verge of retirement. Surely, Little Richard would seem more germane, particularly the piano introduction to “Good Golly Miss Molly” in the present context. By the way, I never took narcotics when I was Chairman of the Fed.


Zachary: But “irrational exuberance….” Do you feel that somehow this ameliorates your legacy as financial czar of the USA for the period of time leading up to the present downside euphoria despite the unprecedented prosperity being enjoyed by short-sellers today?


Greenspan: Let me say this. Selling short is strictly illegal on 634 listed stocks, mostly financial, unless you have a broker who can whistle Dixie in mid-fellatio while twirling plates on the end of sticks as is seen frequently in the famous Chinese circus, Xiang Hua Wing. By the way, I know Xiang Hua Wing well. Who also wouldn’t listen and was up to his neck in AIG, may he rest in peace.

As for “irrational exuberance,” that was actually a misquote. My actual words were “irredeemable flatulence”—the Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee had cut the cheese in a manner with which I could have had no previous experience or foreknowledge--it was most likely Limburger, I remember thinking at the time. But it might also have been a less than mature Camembert, one can never be sure. I was fortunate to have met Camembert last year at Basle, incidentally.


Zachary: Thank you for shedding light on the present market freefall, Chairman Greenspan. I got a hot date with Maureen Dowd.


Greenspan: Thank you. I trust I may tell celebrities that I met you and we are good friends?


Zachary: Actually, I’d rather you didn’t.