Frank Feldman

A newly unemployed ex-cube farm veteran exits the hopelessly packed Manhattan Job Fair--complete waste of time--walks out onto the curb outside Madison Square Garden and hails a cab.

He gets into the taxi, gives the address of a discrete public house in the lower 60's and the Cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Frank? Frank Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's the guy who did everything right. Always. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Hunh. Interesting. Then again, of course, into each life some rain must fall...."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. For example, he was a terrific athlete. He could easily have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He also sang like an opera baritone, danced like Fred Astaire and you should have heard him play the piano. He made Liberace sound heterosexual."

Passenger: "Hunh. He must have been something really special, then. A guy who would've avoided The Big Downturn, for example. And would never have invested with Bernie Madoff--"

Cabbie: "Are you shittin' me? He would've gone short at 14,000. He had a memory like a goddam computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything in a flash--not like me. I change a fuse, the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman--he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Hunh. Well, I guess he really was special."

Cabbie: "Are you kidding? Frank always knew the short cuts and totally avoided traffic jams. Not like me, I gravitate to gridlock like flies on shit. But Frank, he never made a mistake, nosirree Bob! And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel right, know what I mean? He'd never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong, as usual. And his clothes were always immaculate, shoes strictly spit and polish, you could look down and see if you had a piece of corned beef stuck between your teeth. Yeah...Frank was really something. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. There'll never be another one like Frank Feldman!"

Passenger: "Jesus Christ, I was having a really shitty day. But your story about Frank Feldman has really bucked me up. Hell, I may even pass up that perfunctory yet nominal 10AM pick-me-up I was giving very serious thought to.... But tell me something, you didn't mention it: How did you meet this guy, Frank Feldman?"

Cabbie: "Oh. I never actually met Frank. He died. I married his fucking widow."

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