FAQ Down Under

The phenomenon of tailor-made travel to uninhabited regions such as Burkina-Faso, Ecuador and The Netherlands by the intellectually turbocharged geriatric of today's European and North American travel markets has grown in recent years to the point where such holiday destinations are apparently of interest to Yale graduates.

Australia is certainly a case in point. Well-known to cognoscenti for its wide range of artists, thinkers and writers exported to London, Australia sports a National Tourist Board second to most, fully capable of addressing the superfluity of recent queries from a spectrum of discerning interlocutors increasingly fascinated with the exotic land-locked island nation located...Down Under.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV. How do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Absolutely, provided you do not detour from the exact median of the two rails when they are being used by locomotives.


Q: Are there any ATM's in Australia? Do you know where these are located in the municipalities of Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: Yes.


Q. I understand that QANTAS has the best air safety record in the world. What does it mean? And do you recommend air travel over other forms of transportation to your country? (Poland)

A. Last question first.

Particularly in the case of our ever-welcome jihadi brothers and sisters, they simply can't beat cross-country skiing as the most scenic way of entering the country.

First question: 'best air safety record' means the planes do not fall out of the sky incinerating all crew and passengers in a maelstrom of fiery yet curiously prolonged agony.


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: That’s a bloody terrific question, USA!

A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe? Aus-tra-lia is the really big island in the middle of the Paci....

Hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Owing to our location in the antipodes relative to your goodselves in America, it would be just the opposite of where it's located in, say, Chattanooga.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Yes. Rectally.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aha! Another great question from that cauldron of cerebral acuity, the good ole USA....

Well, Aus-tri-a would be the quaint little country that gave us Adolf Hitler...bordering Ger-man-y... in the middle of Eur--

The Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: Of course!

We are historically renowned for allowing untrammelled entry to the flower of British manhood.

Prior to the present era, in fact, the Pommie Bastards were all hand-picked by the best judges in England.


Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: Alas, no. You are thinking of Cambodia.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Ah, the interrogatory coup de grace from the Land of the Free!

It seems that rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless. Except for the sheilas.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees? (USA)

A: Good on ya, mate! That would be the famous Alice Springs Bear which is as fierce as it is lethal and can only be repelled by smearing your person with reasonably priced kangaroo feces immediately prior to walkabout.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: No worries, cobber! Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes. Gay night clubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Sorry to say, No. We celebrate it in The Vatican.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes and you will be pleasantly surprised to learn she has agreed to a significant reduction in rates, just for you, Mate!


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes. After you've been to school in the Lucky Country, Mate.


.