One day, in line at the cubefarm cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like a sonofabitch. I guess I'd better go see a doctor."
"Listen," says Mike, "you don't have to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco™. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will diagnosis the problem and prescribe the remedy--it takes ten seconds and costs $9.99--a whole shitload cheaper than a quack slaving for an HMO!"
Desperate, Joe heads for the mens' room, deposits a urine sample in a used water bottle which, alas, fits easily and takes it to the Costco™ computer on Aisle 4.
He deposits ten dollars, retrieves the change, the computer lights up, whirrs and a message appears:
PLEASE POUR URINE SAMPLE IN RECEPTACLE.
Joe pours the urine into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN EPSOM SALTS (AISLE 1) AND WARM WATER, TAKE TYLENOL™ AS REQUIRED AND AVOID HEAVY ACTIVITY. IT WILL CLEAR UP IN TWO WEEKS.
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING @ COSTCO!
That evening, while thinking over this new technology and considering a massive purchase of calls, Joe is, as usual, beset by doubts--stock options never work for him, even the covered ones.
So he mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco™, eager to check the result. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the outcome.
Ten seconds later, the computer prints out the following:
1. YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD. GET A WATER SOFTENER (AISLE 9).
2. YOUR DOG HAS RINGWORM. BATHE HIM TWICE A WEEK IN ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO (AISLE 7).
3. YOUR DAUGHTER IS ADDICTED TO CRACK COCAINE. GET HER INTO REHAB.
4. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS. THEY ARE NOT YOURS. GET A LAWYER.
5. IF YOU DON'T STOP PLAYING WITH YOURSELF, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER HEAL.
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING @ COSTCO!
.
.jpg)
0 Comments:
Post a Comment