Op-Ed by James Stephen Garrett

The Journal announces the appointment of Mr James Stephen Garrett as Executive VP, Humanities Marketing. Posthumously.

MEIN KAMPF
Down & Out in Bavaria Hills
September 3, 2007

Achtung, Baby!

Mein Kampf has a nasty reputation. When it comes right down to it, Mein Kampf is a bad dog, a bad, bad dawg. If Mein Kampf were human, it would be the balding forty-year old guy with the canting glass eye who loiters down by the stairwell selling tap-dancing aphids out of a hat.

But if you step back, take a deep breath, get the mental picture of grim soot blackened kilns and miles of concertina fence and razor wire and baying German shepherds and slaughterhouses & black-smoke belching smokestacks festering and brooding beneath a slate-grey sky---

Where were we? Oh yes: if you get past that stuff, you'll be able to see Mein Kampf for what it really is: the world's most influential Self-Help manual.

Who needs Dale Carnegie & all that "Smile 'til your Gums Bleed!" crap when you've got Adolf Hitler: Carnegie wants you to wag your tail & get another friend, Hitler wants you to wag your fist in your enemy's face & slice off another rump puppet state.

Let's take a little mental inventory of Adolf Hitler, circa 1923: starving, failed artist, no money to pay the rent, wandered around ranting and drinking all day in beerhalls, and worst of all, stuck in the Munich pokey after he and the boys got knocked around by the local hoo-haw after a wild night gomezing around on the town and a few too many Heffeweisen.

And yet this guy, not even a decade later, is not only shooting hoops and slam dunks but kicking everybody's [EXPLETIVE!] around the court. Around about 1941, Hitler doesn't have any time left to kick [EXPLETIVE!] & take names. Why? Because he's too busy kicking [NAUGHTY!] to take names.

With that in mind, let's break this little masterwork of Teutonic Take-no-Prisoners Motivation down by the numbers & see what Mein Kampf can do for you---today!

1) Give in to your Anger! Your Hate will make you Strong! Whether it's building a battle station that can destroy a planet in a single blast or emptying the Eastern Marches of Bolshevik Scum, get in touch with your Inner Monster & give that bad boy a ticket to ride!

2) It's all about Marketing! Coco Chanel knew it! Tommy Hilfiger knew it! Idi Amin knew it!---Marketing Matters! Hitler proved it. Schwag matters. Gift boxes matter! Little corporate doohickeys with your logo & slogan on it---all of that matters.

WWHD?---'What would Hitler Do?' He'd make it colorful! Primary colors, baby, lots of red and black and white! He'd add chrome! He'd come up with a catchy slogan. He'd probably have a military march with torches somewhere in there! He'd invade Poland!

3) Mission Statement: KISS goes here ("Keep it SS"): make it brutally simple. Example: a) Revenge the betrayed fatherland by shooting the Bolshevik rotters; b) hold lots of torchlit parades; c) invade Russia.

Show me, don't tell me. It's results that count, daddy-o. See #3.

3) Business is War! Get in the other guy's face & scream! Make him wipe your spittle off his mouth! Yes! Go over the line! Pound on the table all you want to, but if you don't get what you want, it's time to cross the enemy's line of Death! No more Mr. Nice Guy!

Your Enemies are a bunch of Fairies! They shave their legs & go cycling after work. Think I'm wrong? Think Carstairs in Accounting has the mojo to take you on, Dear Leader? Try nailing his cat to his desk. Your patience is at an end! Exactly! Would you like a little Belgium or France with your order, Sir?

4)Shoot your rivals. What about Carruthers, the guy from Marketing? Seriously, Old Hoss, keep an eye on that guy. He's quiet, he's shifty eyed, he does what you tell him, and when you screamed at him in that P&L meeting last week he---I jest thee not---he wet himself. That said, remember: it's the quiet ones who get ya, one way or another. Hitler, for instance. Hitler was a frustrated Marketing guy, too.

It's kinda funny to think about, but had someone back on the old arts school admissions council at the Vienna School for Drawing Little Teutonic stick figures decided to let Hitler in, we'd have gotten about 15 years of bad cubist stuff instead of the Blitz & the Holocaust.

5) Strike first! Strike hard! Kill! Kill! Pick yourself up out of the gutter and get back on that Tiger tank! You think it's enough to humiliate Dimwiddy in the board room, you lunk? Fool! You've got to destroy Dimwiddy! You've got to crush him, annex his office space, invade and destroy all those little projects that mean so much to him, get him fired, laugh as he has to haul all his personal shxt out in a cardboard box---and even then it's not over! You've got to gloat, gloat and cackle, when you spot him on the street corner, down in the gutter, eating his daily ration of cat food out of a tin! Shove his face in that horsemeat! Push!

6) Never Underestimate the Stupidity of the Masses: This is a biggie. Think about it: you're German, it's 1930, and one of the candidates for Reichs Chancellor has a shifty looking brush moustache. When asked about his resume, he replies nonchalantly about being big on killing vermin.

Would you vote for that guy? Guess what? They did! Hitler won in a landslide! If he can, you can too!

With that in mind, ACHTUNG! Baby! We got a little Liebensrauming to do.

JSG

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