I Tell Ya, I Don't Get No Respect

I.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

II.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife's dead." The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing's building up."

III.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest cock she'd ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

IV.

I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today. At least I presume she was poor--she only had $1.20 in her purse.

V.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

VI.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass. You think I should change dentists?

VII.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says "Whaddaya expect? You're in a wheel chair."

VIII.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

IX.

My wife has been missing for a week. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

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