The Srevitz Clinic™

JOCOP News Service, January 21, 2010, Riyadh.

The American Dental Association shook the American mental health community this morning with its announcement that previously unreleased double blind/placebo-based clinical trials now reveal the most under-diagnosed disease in the continental US, including Guam, is Repat Remorse.

The famed Srevitz Clinic™ of Minneapolis, MN immediately released its patented 13-step programme to the victims, their families and new colleagues in the workplace, free of charge, until April 15, 2009.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the office intercom. Do not disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, inquire: “Would you like fries with that?”

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker daily for three weeks. After the three weeks are up, put double espresso in the coffee maker.

5. In the memo field of all your cheques, write: “For Ludes.”

6. Skip down the hall instead of walking.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with no change in expression.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go.”

9. Sing along with the heavy metal soundtracks to documentaries.

10. Five days in advance, inform your new neighbours you will not be able to attend their child's birthday party. You have a headache.

11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream: “'I Won! I Won!'

12. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask the clerk where the fitting room is.

13. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go.”

Chicken Tikka Masala Burger

It was the first day of the new school year in the USA for the new Indian student, Chandrasekhar Jawaharwal Patel. The teacher had introduced him to the fourth grade class, taking great care to get his name right, and had then assigned him a desk in the middle of the classroom.

The teacher then launched the term by saying, "Why don't we begin by reviewing some American History so we can all get an idea of where we are with the subject."

"OK," she began, "who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death!'?"

A desolate sea of bloated tv and computer-ravaged countenances stared back at her.

Except for Chandrasekhar. Who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry,1775,” he said.

“Very good, Chandrasekhar!” exclaimed the teacher.

"Now--who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People shall not perish from the Earth.'?”

Again, no response--except from Chandrasekhar.

“Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is just arrived in our country, knows more about its history than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper: “Aw fuck a bunch o' Indians....”

"Who said that?' she demanded in an outraged voice.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up: “General George Armstrong Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I'm think I'm gonna puke.”

The teacher scanned the room of unfamiliar faces trying to place the source of this remark.

“All right, you spoiled little shits! Who said that!?”

Again Chandrasekhar spoke up: “George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student actually stood up, clutching his crotch, and yelled: “Oh yeah? Well suck on this!”

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

With the class now in total mob/loot/lynch mode, a manacing pre-pubescent voice came from the back of the room: “You little sonofabitch! If you say another word, I'll kill you!”

Chandrasekhar jumped up and shrieked: “Michael Jackson, to one of the child witnesses testifying against him! 2004!”

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the floored educator, someone said, “Oh Geezuz...we're really fucked now!"

Quietly easing himself toward the door of the classroom for his own safety, Chandrasekhar muttered the answer under his breath: "Native-born Americans with stock market investments and public school educations. 2008."

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Redneck Girl

The Journal's pro-caliphate editorial bona fides are well-established to the point of seppuku. Accordingly, we take this opportunity to applaud our fellow jihadis' kidnapping of Padraic O'Cossett shortly before landing at Hamas PLC™ International in Gaza City. Padraic, our Gaza Bureau Chief, has been held for the last month incommunicado, without food, water, tampons, adult diapers. We join the BBC and CNN--our competition and what assholes they truly are--not to mention Paddy's wife and in-laws, in calling for Paddy's continued incarceration into perpetuity.

Paddy smuggled the reportage set forth below via the septic tank/water truck just in back of the Hamas safe house where he is being held, exact GPS coordinates available upon request....or withheld an additional two weeks, whichever is more conducive to... martyrdom.

Aloha Snackbar™!!!

A Mexican, an Arab and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45 and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, she says:

"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."