Sarah Palin Nude

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous as a whore in church."

The first kid says, "No problem, dawg. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you all the ice cream you can eat. Nothing to it."

The second kid then inquires: "What are you in here for then?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

The second kid says, "You gotta be shittin' me! Good luck with that one, pal. I had it done when I was born and couldn't walk for a fuckin' year."

,

Working Class Warfare

A strapping young construction supervisor with (a) an uncle on the board of the Union with a pension plan administered by Lehman Brothers and (b) a brilliant future ahead of him, courtesy of his wife's new lawyer "acquaintance," was pontificating at the construction site that he could out-perform anyone on-site in any given feat of physical prowess.

He made a special case of casting vitality-related aspersions at one of the workmen of the mature, near-retirement persuasion.

After several minutes of the usual articulate and grammatically incisive abuse, the older worker'd had enough, just as he had with the wonderful Union that had ceded control of the industry to coked up polymaths with MBA's dedicated to the betterment of our working men and women across this wonderful country of ours.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is--Scumbag," the elderly worker inquired.

The youthful supervisor giggled three times in a row.

The old man continued: "Tell you what, asshole. I'll bet a year's salary--gross--that I can haul something in this wheelbarrow here over to that portable shithouse over there that you won't be able to wheel back--ever. Not in a day, not in a week, not until this useless project is completed, sits for a year and a half, is decommissioned and finally razed to the ground. Which means never--this is a zombie project if I ever saw one."

"You're on, old man," the youthful future SUV salesman ejaculated knowingly, following several nanoseconds of in-depth analysis and due diligence.

"Bring it on, you worthless old sonofabitch!"

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then he nodded to the young man with the brilliant future.

"All right, my young friend. Get in."

.

Old Grandad

A devout consumer of OprahThink is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa driving a shopping cart carrying his totally out-of-control 3 year-old grandson.

Inevitably, the shoppers encounter one another at irregular intervals, as will happen in supermarket itineraries.

It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, tampons in the tampon aisle....

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, evenly but audibly muttering a sort of mantra in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long--easy, boy."

Another outburst, and the Oprah devotee hears Gramps calmly say, "It's alright, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here--hang in there, buddy."

At the checkout, the little sonofabitch is throwing items out of the cart, inflicting in one case a facial cut on a supermarket employee with a box of Fruitloops.

And yet Gramps, again in a controlled voice, is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax fella, don't get upset, this too will pass."

"We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, Albert."

Impressed as only a true Oprahvert can be, the woman exits the destroyed supermarket and surveys the parking lot, quickly spotting Gramps loading his groceries and the boy into the car, quickly approaching same.

"Excuse me, Sir, and I know I'm intruding--although that is perfectly alright now, just think of it as a 'benign intervention'--but you were simply amazing in there. I have no idea how you managed it. That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive the little boy got, you just calmly kept saying that everything would work out alright."

"Albert," she concludes, "is very lucky indeed to have you for his grandfather."

"Thanks a shitload, you useless cunt," replies Gramps, "But I'm Albert. That little motherfucker with the safety belt tied around his neck is Stevie."

.

Chicken Tikka Masala Burger

It was the first day of the new school year in the USA for the new Indian student, Chandrasekhar Jawaharwal Patel. The teacher had introduced him to the fourth grade class, taking great care to get his name right, and had then assigned him a desk in the middle of the classroom.

The teacher then launched the term by saying, "Why don't we begin by reviewing some American History so we can all get an idea of where we are with the subject."

"OK," she began, "who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death!'?"

A desolate sea of bloated tv and computer-ravaged countenances stared back at her.

Except for Chandrasekhar. Who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry,1775,” he said.

“Very good, Chandrasekhar!” exclaimed the teacher.

"Now--who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People shall not perish from the Earth.'?”

Again, no response--except from Chandrasekhar.

“Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is just arrived in our country, knows more about its history than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper: “Aw fuck a bunch o' Indians....”

"Who said that?' she demanded in an outraged voice.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up: “General George Armstrong Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I'm think I'm gonna puke.”

The teacher scanned the room of unfamiliar faces trying to place the source of this remark.

“All right, you spoiled little shits! Who said that!?”

Again Chandrasekhar spoke up: “George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student actually stood up, clutching his crotch, and yelled: “Oh yeah? Well suck on this!”

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

With the class now in total mob/loot/lynch mode, a manacing pre-pubescent voice came from the back of the room: “You little sonofabitch! If you say another word, I'll kill you!”

Chandrasekhar jumped up and shrieked: “Michael Jackson, to one of the child witnesses testifying against him! 2004!”

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the floored educator, someone said, “Oh Geezuz...we're really fucked now!"

Quietly easing himself toward the door of the classroom for his own safety, Chandrasekhar muttered the answer under his breath: "Native-born Americans with stock market investments and public school educations. 2008."

.

New Mobile Telephone Legislation

The Journal draws the readership’s attention to the following article from The Washington Post (more competitors--total assholes) on an urgent basis, particularly as so many of our subscribers are Young People™.

No More Calling in Cars for VirginiaTeens
By Tim Craid and Amy Orndorff
Washington Post Staff Writers
Saturday, June 30, 2007; Page B01

RICHMOND, June 29 -- Three laws aimed at improving highway safety -- including a ban on teenagers under 18 using their cellphones while driving -- go into effect Sunday in Virginia.

The cellphone ban, one of several dozen new laws approved by the General Assembly that will take effect Sunday, prohibits drivers age 15, 16 and 17 from talking, sending text messages or snapping photos with a phone while driving on Virginia roads. The ban also will apply to hands-free devices but will allow teens to use a phone during an emergency, such as if someone thinks he or she is being followed.

[Remainder of article meaningless. --Ed.]

As a public service, The Journal offers the following infotainment offer forwarded by Padraic O’Cossett, our Gaza Bureau Chief and Assistant to the Comptroller of Hamas PCL™.

Changes in Cell Phone Use Legislation

In a lightning-like, shock and awe effort to meet our customers' requirements under the new cell phone law, O'Cossett-Hamas Telecommunications PLC™ (OHT) have just completed a visit to the corporate headquarters of a major consumer electronics chain with global distribution facilities.

In researching hardware which would meet or exceed the new requirements, OHT have determined that the lowest price for a headset cum microphone unit, compatible with the major cell phone sets conforming to the requirements of the new legislation, is $51.47.

Taking advantage of extensive contacts in the wholesale end of the cellphone industry, OHT are pleased to announce they have negotiated procurement and retailing of alternative hardware configuration(s) which would meet the requirements of the relevant statute at a much lower price.

As a service to the small and medium "enterprise" community, OHT are making these units available on a first-come, first-served basis for only US$3.57 (Gaza residents, please include 692% jihad tax).

That's right. Only US$3.57!

This price is possible as a result of huge synergies, unbelievable economies of scale, LIFO (last-in, first-out) warehousing and distribution techniques, RORO (roll-on, roll-off) transport and logistical support and sharia-level quality control guidelines rigidly adhered to throughout the production sequence.

These kits have been fully tested for compatibility with all cellphone models including Motorola, Nokia, Siemens, Sprint, Verizon, DoCoMo and SonyEricsson. The units perform explosively.

A photo is attached. Please advise if you would be interested in one of these units at this low low price. This offer good until the end of the week only.

To see photo, please left click on→X