At The Bar

A country walks into a bar and seats itself on a stool. The bartender looks at it and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The country says, "Set me up with seven shots o' Cutty and make 'em doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the country slug one down, then the next, then the next and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why it's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks: "What do you have pal?"

The country replies, "I have a dollar."

.

Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

Sorry, Asian only lah.

Just when you were getting ready to book that holiday to Paradise, you discover--in an advertisement--that you would be ill-advised to simultaneously air-freight your horse so that he, too, might take a little time off, relax, have a few drinks, get some sun....

Grand Ole Afterlife

Alas--unattributed.

One day in the future, the Commander-in-Chief, as must we all, expires...shuttles off his mortal coil...passes on to the next incarnation.

He goes straight to Hell where The Devil is waiting for him. With a clipboard.

"I don't know what to do," says The Devil. "You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I've got some folks here who weren't as god-awful as you. I can let one of them go--but you'll have to take their place."

"Tellya what I'm gonna do--I'll even let you decide who leaves," The Devil concludes.

The Commander-in-Chief concluded this was fair--although he'd have preferred to run it by the VP--and then agreed to The Devil's proposition.

The Devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. The former President kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed—over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.

"No,” said the Commander-in-Chief, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented the Commander-in-Chief.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, the Commander-in-Chief saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs spread-eagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

The Commander-in-Chief took this in and, after the usual 2.7 seconds careful consideration prior to making an important decision, announced: "Yeah! I can handle this one!"

The Devil smiled and said: "OK, Monica, you're free to go."