Latrenian's Dip

T. Lousy Dowser sent this in via SMS during his last prostate exam. At which time his highly sophisticated Nokia was, unbeknownst to the examinee, recording.

"Doctor," our correspondent was overheard to say, "are your hands supposed to be on my shoulders during this procedure?"

"Shut the fuck up, I think I've found something," replied Dr. Kavorkian.

A rich white man in Richmond, Virginia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his friends and neighbors. He also invited Latrenian, the only African-American in the neighborhood.

The rich man held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ, and flirting with the women. At the apex of the party, the host rang his wine glass with a spoon, got everyone’s attention and announced:

"I have a 10-ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Latrenian in the pool. Latrenian was fighting the alligator with every ounce of strength in his body. He was jabbing the alligator in the eyes with his fingers, throwing punches, giving the giant lizard head butts and choke holds, biting the 'gator on the tail and flipping the amphibian through the air like a possessed judo instructor on speed.

The water was churning and splashing like a vision from a watery hell. Both Latrenian and the alligator were fighting for their lives with the very dregs of their strength. Finally Latrenian strangled the 'gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Then, with the last iota of his energy, Latrenian dragged himself out of the pool.

Everybody stared at him in disbelief. Finally the host said, "Well, Latrenian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Latrenian.

“But that’s not right, “ the rich man replied in shock. “You won the bet!”

Latrenian stubbornly shook his head.

“Well, then, how about half a million? C’mon, I’ve got to give you something.”

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Latrenian.

"This is ridiculous,” insisted the host. “That was an astounding performance and I insist on some sort of reward. How about a new Porsche, a coupla Rolexes and some stock options?"

Again, Latrenian shook his head and said "No."

Totally confounded and in complete frustration, the rich man finally asked, "Well, then, what is it you do want?”

"I want the name of the motherfucker who pushed me into the pool.”