Legless

Several months ago, The International Brotherhood of Anglo-Saxon Journalists threatened this publication with litigation if it didn't start a celebrity section and provide some real news for a change. Naturally, the editorial board turned to the one correspondent most familiar with this vital aspect of modern existence on account of that nasty case of clap he picked up on Hollywood Blvd while covering the Madonna story for our competitor (what a bunch of assholes), The Engineering News-Record, to wit, David Marvin Mailer. When he submitted this report, it was hotter than a two-dollar hooker at Kilo 10. Now, it's older than petrified dog shit. But if only for the sake of our children, and our children's children, we include it here as a pubic service.


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long," she said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles," according to a close friend. "She will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this."

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible," a source stated, "always trying to get a leg over."

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her absolutely legless."

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas. But that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm fucked, who'll want a one-legged gold digger?" His mate says: "Try Paul McCartney."

Finally a poem by Sir Paul:

I lay upon a grassy bank,
My hands were all aquiver.
Slowly I removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.