Old Man on Speed

Our Senior Geriatrics Editor, Mike Rashoff, refuses to disclose whether he owns a Moped or not. We have ways of making him talk. Perhaps he has relatives in The Netherlands.

A particularly obnoxious, egregiously overpaid and scandalously unqualified physician decides he needs to reinvigorate an ego ravaged by greed, incompetence and an abrupt surge in the number of recently-interred surgical failures. He makes the trip to the trendiest car dealership in LA and buys what he considers to be the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari F430 Spider. He thinks it is one of the most expensive cars in the world, 200K with a few options. As usual, he isn't even close.

Paperwork finished, he drives the Ferrari out of the showroom and onto Sunset for a spin. At Robertson, he stops the car at his first red light.

An exceedingly old man, appearing to be in his late 90's, pulls up next to him--on a Moped. The old man looks over at the sleek new automobile and inquires, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

"Ferrari F430 Spider," replies the doctor behind the $200 shades, $3,500 worth of bad wardrobe and capped teeth so white they require sunscreen. Nearly vertiginous with hubris, he glances over at the old geezer, carefully honing his nonchalance.

"Cost half a million dollars, " he intones smoothly, practicing for any number of similar exchanges in the very near future.

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why is it so expensive?"

"Because this little baby can do 320 miles an hour," states the doctor.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look?"

"No problem," replies the medical school graduate.

The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around, with the driver staring straight ahead in total self-satisfaction.

Then, sitting back on his bike, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right. But I reckon I'll just stick with my Mop--"

At that very moment, the light changes and, immediately taking the cheap shot without even thinking about it, the physician decides to show the old timer just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

With a self-satisfied curl of the lip, he casts a triumphant glance into the rear-view mirror. Noticing a troublesome dot in his rear-view mirror, the humorless rictus disappears from his countenance as he swivels his head to look back. The dot is getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be. The Ferrari is suddenly overwhelmed by an overpowering whhhhoooooosssshhh.

Something has just passed him as if he were standing still.

"What the hell could be going faster than a Ferrari?" the doctor inquires of an unfair universe.

He puts his foot down on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250mph.

Caught up to the speeding object that's just passed him, he can now see it's the old man on the Moped.

"What the fuck?!" mutters the medico.

Stunned that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he punches it and passes the moped at 275 mph, noticing the recurrence of the whooooosssshhhh phenomenon.

The good doctor is now feeling reassured and altogether much better about himself. Until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again--

Flabbergasted by the speed of this old bastard, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he looks into the rear-view mirror and he can barely believe his eyes. The Moped is bearing down on him again.

The Ferrari is now flat out and there's nothing more to be done. The Moped plows violently into the back of the Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor slams on the brakes, comes to a stop and jumps out of the Ferrari. Incredibly, the old man is still alive, laying just in back of the Ferrari on the macadam. The doctor bends down to check the old man out.

"Oh my dear god. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yeah, there is," gasps the old man. "Could you do me a favor and unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"