Wedding Bell Blues

Unbeknownst to his numerous hagiographers, Hugh Jorgen was a virgin until the summer of 1996 when he accidentally stumbled into the Kuala Lumpur branch of Supercuts. He emerged an hour later, a convert to Islam with a smile on his face that, today, most closely resembles the Commander-in-Chief's choked rictus during those psychoactively suspect episodes of mid-sentence oratorical chuckles.

Hugh and Fatima joyously celebrated their 23rd anniversary last August during a conjugal visit at the Gonzales, California branch of Al-anon.


A roué with gambling debts is out on the links where, out of the blue, he takes a near supersonic 3-wood shot right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he can manage, he stumbles to the clubhouse parking lot and drives himself to the doctor’s office.

“How bad is it doc?” he inquires in near panic. "I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin—in every possible way."

“That’s rich. You were in here just last Christmas with another case of the Santo Domingo Drip.”

“Yeah, I know, Doc, but for chrissake keep it on the QT, if the missus-to-be hears about it, I’m history. She’s beautiful. And rich.”

“Hippocratic, schmippocratic," mumbles the medico. “I'll have to put your schwanz in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week," advises the physician. "But you need to shape up, boychik."

“Sure, doc—anything you say.”

The doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat four-sided splint completely surrounding the wounded appendage, taping it skillfully together. He stands back admiring his handiwork, then shakes his head, telling the patient to take off.

The groom-to-be mentions none of this to his girl. They marry the following week and jet off to Maui for the honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal breasts to make you kill for.

"You're the first!” she cries in total passion. “No one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants.

“And look at this treasure, my Bouboulina! Still in the CRATE!"