The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog, Cinder.

While I was waiting in line to check out, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog....

I heard something snap inside my skull so on impulse, I told her No, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because last time I'd ended up in the hospital but that I had lost fifty pounds before I'd come to in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out all my orifices and IV's in both arms.

The woman's peculiar eyes bulged out of her dough face.

She was totally buying the health angle so I told her it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again, I needed to lose the weight.

Horrified, the woman asked if I weren't taking a big chance--if something in the dog food hadn't poisoned me with the result I'd ended up hospitalized.

Not at all, I replied. I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my dick when a Buick hit me.