Chicom Sonsabitches, Part I

The Journal likes to think of David Marvin Mailer, our Far East Bureau Chief, as its own pre-pubescential post-prandial president of prurient pathology. He was born DOA at the county lockup just a mile east of Patsy's Prostate Parlour in Pierre, ND. He majored in Haute Aluminical Couture and Home Economics at Columbia University. His hobbies are IED volleyball and the horizontal transpastic tango.


While in China, an enterprising entrepreneur is sexually promiscuous in the extreme and does not necessarily use a condom on a regular basis. In fact he doesn't use one ever.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his schwanz in the state pictured above right.

He lays rubber all the way to the doctor's office.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders every test he's ever heard of. He tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you--you've contracted DMV."

"DMV?"

"Yes," intones the medico gravely. "Dissociative Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks as if the world has fallen out of his bottom. However, he pulls himself together and says: "Well, Jesus, Doc, don't just stand there. Gimme a shot and fix me up--"

The doctor shakes his head. "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate."

The man recoils in horror. "Absolutely not! I demand a second opinion!"

The doctor replies: "Well, that's your right. Go ahead if you want. But surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll be much more conversant with the epidemiology.

The Chinese doctor has the man drop trou and forthwith examines his tallywhacker.

"Ah yes!" proclaims the acupuncturist-diagnostician. "DMV--Dissociative Mongorian VD! Vely rare!"

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, Doc, I already know. But what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my Johnson!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head, then laughs.

"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate! Make more money that way! No need to opelate!"

"Oh, thank you, doctor!" the man blurts in abject gratitude.

"Oh, yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks! Faw off by itself!"