The JOCOP Guide to Wellness, Part I

In line with work by seminal healers including Doctors Salk, Kevorkian, Zhivago, Feelgood and Mengele, together with the entirety of the medico-evangelico-ecoindustrial conspiracy, The Journal kicks off the first in a series of occasional articles on Wellness aimed at the Readership's unique health concerns centered around two (5) main issues, viz., Dynamic Eugenics™, Autodidactic Dipsomania (AD) and Transpastic Satyriasis (TS). With a side order of SSRI's (Selective Service Reuptake Inhibitors), hold the mayo.


In a number of carefully controlled trials, Creation Theorists at Bob Jones University have demonstrated that if sampler-erroniacs drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year the cubistic concrescence would have absorbed more than one kilo of E. Coli (Escherichia coli)--fecal bacteria.

Without adjustment for additional variables, we are consuming approximately one kilo of shit per year.

Notwithstanding all the above, the RQ (risk quotient) is not verifiably present in the case of alcohol ingestion wherein the bibulocity is rendered pure via boiling, fermentation, filtering and/or waterboarding.

Aide Memoir:

Water = Shit
Alcohol = Health

As anticipated by our forebears who intuitively factored the above into their daily regimen of bibulous frontier prophylaxis, it's one thing to drink wine and talk stupid. It's another to drink water and be full of shit.