The Transactual Modalities of Sexual Logistics

Following is an exact transcription of an excerpt from Memroids of a Manaqing Editar (Knopf, 422 pages, Iraqi Dinar 5.39/USD13,128.34) as related during an Editorial Waterboard executive session at the Rheum Room in Bumfuck over the recent Eid holidays.

Master Sergeant Eugene F McDonald gazed helplessly into the limpid pools that were the eyes of his betrothed, a lovely girl of 18 (34) from NKP, as the lovelorn syllables spilled trippingly off his smitten tongue and he spoke not only to the object of his swooning adoration but to the very quintessence of his own worship of the beautiful being that had turned his world inside out.

"Darling," he burbled, "you know I love you madly."

"Dalling I lubb you too. You want khao pat?"

"Not now darling, I just ate.... But, darling, I wonder if it's as good for you as it is for me. You see, nothing could be better than it is for me but I want it to be that good for you too...."

"Nutting betta good khao pat moo, tilac. You gimme nam pla, ok."

"Of course, my darling, take the bottle. But do tell me how it is for you."

"Boom boom?"

"Boom boom. Well, yes, darling, I suppose so--"

"Mac, boom boom ok and I lubb you too mutt, tilac (you gimme prik kee noo, ok?....sank you!) but dalling, evvy time make lubb, you always pic you nose.... And, tilac, you never let you tilac get onna top, tamai wah, you know you tilac like too mutt...."

"Oh, that. Nothing to do with me, tilac. It was my mother, you see."

"You mama? You boom boom you mama? Tilac, that numba ten."

"No, darling, of course not, I just meant--"

"Oh! You mean you mama talk to you allatime? Tilac that imposibun. You mama not in loom. You mama die lao."

"Yes, darling, but I have to do what my mama tell me to do so many years ago. You know how it is, you must do what mama tell you to do, even after she's gone...."

"Oh, yes, tilac, allatime. But mai cao chai, tilac, what she say you?"

"Well, tilac, if you must know. She said she only wanted two things from me over the course of my life and I swore on her death bed that I would faithfully fulfill her desire till the end of my days."

"Tilac, mai cao chai--that why you boom boom funny, pic nose allatime on top?"

"Yes, darling, it is, and y'know it's like it happened yesterday and I'll never forget her parting instructions to me."

"Yes, tilac?"

"Mac," said my mother with her dying breath, "promise me you'll keep your nose clean and you won't fuck up."