Dear Mr. & Mrs. Barrett,
We regret to inform you that your son passed away inside a short time hotel in a well-known adult entertainment area of Bangkok. Although we realize this news will come as a terrible shock to you, you may take comfort in knowing that your son did not die alone but was comforted by those he loved. (Please see enclosed invoices from Mlles. Lek and Noy.)
We are assured by those who knew him that he was well regarded, if not by the entire Bangkok community, certainly by many who knew him from inside Nana Plaza and whose bar bills he had settled prior to his demise. We know you would wish to honor his memory by paying off the four enclosed invoices in full.
The first invoice is for 4,000 baht, that is, 2,000 baht apiece from the two aforementioned young entertainment providers of Nana Plaza, Lek from the Erotica Bar and Noy from Playskool A Go Go.
The second is for certain items which your son is believed to have rented for the occasion from a club known as Demonia, formerly known as Cave Bar, Sukhumvit Road, Soi 33. These items include one leather flogger, one pair of handcuffs and assorted restraints, one braided kangaroo leather whip with horsehair tips, two pairs of leather lace-up bustiers, black leather lace-up shorts with matching black leather zip-up bras, bootcamp officer uniform including beret and campaign medals, jail bait costume including gingham plaid mini-skirt and pink hair ribbons and various schoolbooks such as Social Responsibility & Massage Parlor Management 101, wet look cleavage dress with slogan “My Sugar Daddy Reads The Big Chilli,” ruby-red ballet slippers with studded insteps and ankle straps, one battery-operated Bill Clinton cigar-shaped vibrator with repeating voice “I feel your pain,” one pair of unisexual handmade nipple clips, two “daddy’s little helper” baby doll fishnet thong teddys with ostrich feather trimming and stretched garter belts, two glow-in-the-dark G-strings, and, finally, two CDs with similar titles but dissimilar subject matter: The first is Anna and her Sisters. The second is Anna does her sisters. The total amount of this invoice is 9,660 baht. And twelve satang.
Third, there is the invoice for 380 baht from the hotel itself as your son apparently did not pay in advance. According to our sources, your son was allowed to settle his bill after his stays as he was a regular and welcome client at that establishment. The first part of this invoice for 300 baht reflects the special frequent guest price for the Gigolo Room, complete with wall and ceiling mirrors, vibrating bed, bag ladies in bondage wallpaper, and short-time shower with rubber hose. The remaining 80 baht charge is for your son’s purchase of four silky smooth, natural rubber, lubricated, deep-ribbed, ultra-sensitive, flare-shaped, latex condoms with reservoir tips, electronically textured for mutual pleasure.
Finally, we include the invoice passed on to us from the Thai Tourist Police Squadron, Nana Branch. We regret to mention that the Thai police found that one of the girl’s ID cards was false and the girl in question was under legal age according to the laws of Thailand. Your son is therefore being sued posthumously for having had sex with a minor but we are told, off the record, that if you pay the enclosed invoice of 40,000 baht promptly no further action will be taken.
On a happier note, we are pleased to enclose a gift certificate to the Chao Phraya II Massage Parlor which was found among your son’s possessions. We realize it would now be of little use to your son but perhaps you know of someone planning a trip to Thailand and you could pass it along.
You are no doubt aware that your son left written instructions to the effect that in the event of his passing he should be cremated, and, as this was prepaid, this has been carried out according to his wishes. Unfortunately, the prepaid amount was not quite enough to have your son’s ashes placed within the grounds of a temple, but we think you will be pleased to learn that your son’s ashes are to be auctioned off forcharity at the next Nanapong.com go-go contest which will be held in Nana Plaza’s Angel Witch bar in the very near future.
Again, we express our deepest sympathy for your loss and please note, regarding your remittance, the exchange rate between the baht and American dollar is now THB30 to one US dollar.
Very sincerely yours,
Citizen Services Section
US Embassy
Bangkok
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We Regret
Phenomenological Biker
I met a young woman in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought "Y'know. These taser guns are well worth the money."
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iTit
JOCOP News Service
August 3, 2011
Apple Inc. (NASDAQ:AAPL) announced today that it has developed a computer chip together with nanotechnology that can play high fidelity media in women's breast implants.
The "iTit" will cost between $499 and $699 depending on woofer ("boom box") specification. Designed at Apple's campus in Hindutino, California, the iTit will be manufactured in toto at the Foxconn suicide-prone manufacturing facility in Shenzhen, PRC, the president of which was quoted as promising "not to steal the design this time, honest."
"This will alter human intercourse as never before because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and never listening to them," said CEO Steve Jobs from his private ICU to a group of unemployed IT reporters.
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The Truth About Eric Cantor
A visiting professor is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
Struthio camelus
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "Hamburger, fries and a coke." He turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That'll be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "Hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This continues through the week. Finally, it's Saturday night and the two enter again.
"The usual?" inquires the waitress.
"No, this is Saturday night so I'll have the ribeye, rare, baked potato with the works and the green salad with Roquefort," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That'll be $32.62."
"Put a ten dollar tip on the bill, willya?"
"Why thank you, Sir!" she blurts, then she amends the check.
"So what's the total then," says the man.
*42.62?"
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot contain her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there."
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich then?"
The man sighs, pauses.... "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agreed with everything I said."
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I Will Always Lubb You
At 85 years of age, Roger marries Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but decrepit husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one, the earth moves and Jenny is forced to change the sheets. Roger takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger again: he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents to multi-ficky fick redux. When the newlyweds are done, the bed a total shambles, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
After ten minutes spent repairing the shattered bed, Jenny is finally set to get some sleep. To her infinite surprise, however, Roger is back again, rapping on the door, fresh as a 16-year-old, with a throbbing schlong preceding him into the room by a good ten inches. Yet once again, they ravish each other in successive bouts of passion previously unknown to the species. The bed and mattress will have to be replaced in their entirety.
As Roger readies himself to leave again, his young bride, exhausted, manages to mutter to the geriatric satyr: "I am stunned that a man your age can perform at such a pitch of red-hot passion--and so often. I have been with men less than a third of your age who were barely good once. You are the king of schtuppers, Roger."
Roger, taken aback slightly and somewhat confused, turns to his spent bride and inquires: "You mean I was here before?"
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Pimp My Cherry
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out in the Plymouth, park and make love for the first time.
The boy is immediately euphoric but he has never had sex before, with another person, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. In fact, the druggist goes into a level of detail that is positively extraordinary, providing the youth with a grasp of technique and titillation previously unknown to him or, for that matter, anyone not subject to the laws of galloping satyriasis.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time. The druggist rings up the charge, gives the kid a broad wink and a thumbs up and tells him to go out there and do his duty to American Manhood.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy enters and his girl escorts him immediately to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "Jesus, I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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The High Hard One
Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:
"You know that new girl at work, the one I've been wanting to ask out?" he inquires.
"Yeah, what about her?" Rick replies.
"Well, every time I see her, I get an instant hard-on and have to turn away to hide it."
"Jesus, that's tough. Why don't you try taping your dick to your leg--then it won't show," Rick suggests.
Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.
A few days later, they meet again:
"Well, I called her and asked her out and she said yes," Joe reports.
"That's great!"
"So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing more or less nothing--"
"Whoa! How'd it go?"
Despite all attempts at self-control, Joe crumbles and bursts into tears but manages to say: "I kicked her in the face."
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Love At Last
Once upon a time there was a man so hideous in visage that he made Nancy Pelosi look like a normal guy.
So, this ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks? Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks--just like in the movies. Naturally, I went right over there and cut her free. Then I took her back to my place."
"Anyway," he concluded, "to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, in every position known to man!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sonofabitch! Was she pretty?"
"Dunno.... Never found the head!"
Ole Olsen Rides Again
Ole Olsen is walking home from the meat packers late at night through the park when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars..." she whispers.
Now Ole, he'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, vatt de helvete, it's only twenty bucks.
So they enter the bushes, throwing off their clothing in semi-frenzied Malmo modality.
They're busily engaged in the Southwestern Swedish Pork Grinder when, seemingly out of nowhere, a blinding light floods the couple in all its prurient ardor.
It's an officer of the law.
"Well well well. And what would be going on here then, people?" inquires the officer.
"I'm making luff to my vife!" Ole answers indignantly.
"Ah!" says the cop, "I'm so sorry, I had no way of knowing."
"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neider, 'til you shine that damm light in her face--"
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Up Against The Fence
An elderly couple is sitting at a table in the best restaurant in D.C. The husband, hoping to make up with the politically resurgent missus and worried about recent revelations concerning foreign contributions to his bogus, jumped up charity foundation, leans over and says to the wife: "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind a certain nearby tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Oh yes," she replies, "I remember it well. Very well."
"Yeah, " he says, "Well how about we take a stroll over there again and we do it again for old time's sake?"
"Why Slick Willie, you old devil, I thought you'd given up on me...that sounds crazy!" Her eyes glaze slightly for a moment. "Crazy. But good."
The Secret Service man sitting in the next booth overhears their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers getting it on against a fence. Plus, it's my sworn duty to ensure their safety, I have no choice.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old woman lifts her skirt and the old geezer drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the geezer moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the Secret Service man has ever seen.
This goes on for a good ten minutes while the loin-locked couple is howling, heaving, moaning, creaming.
Finally, they both collapse to the ground, barely breathing.
The Secret Service man is gobsmacked. It occurs to him he has learned something about life and old age he never even suspected before.
After half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle painfully to their feet and ever so carefully manage to get back into their clothes.
The Secret Service man is still watching and thinks to himself: This is incredible and, unprofessional as it may be, I've got to know what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me Sir and Madam, and pardon me for having observed you even though it's my sworn duty to ensure your safety. But that was something else! I've never seen anything like it! I gotta know--what's your secret?
Shaking, the old buzzard is barely able to reply.
"Fifty years ago, Floyd, that wasn't an electric fence."
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Statutory Rape
Hugh Jorgen lives. The rope he used to try to hang himself with in Stall 3 (for wide-stancers) in the Men's Shitter at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn broke. It had been outsourced to Lehman Brothers.
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Parts of Speech With Which Not To End Sentences
Hugh Jorgen, long time Left Coast Bureau Chief for The Journal, was standing on the wide-stance commode, just slipping a noose around his neck--beautiful job on the traditional hangman's knot which he'd carefully selected in preference to the simpler but far less elegant slipping bowline. Further, he'd done a beautiful job lobbing the coiled rope over the rafter in the Mens' Shitter at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn. Most of all, he'd done an incredible job with his stock portfolio: Lehman, AIG, GM, RBS, all the usual suspects, plus his own personal favorite, Acme Rope PLC: Acme had been skyrocketing to the extent it made up for a total of 1.4% capital gains as a contrarian bet to offset his huge punt in blue-chips paying steady dividends with customary huge yearly bottom line surprises on the up-side. Just before kicking the barstool away to rest against the familiar graffitti-covered shithouse door, Hugh dropped the following final report onto the shitter floor, for which the Editorial Waterboard will be eternally grateful:
On my 70th birthday, I received a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a miraculous cure for erectile dysfunction, far superior to mundane, workaday sildenafil citrate.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically prepared a potion with mortar and pestle, consisting of at least 30 herbal ingredients.
He emptied the mortar into a bottle and solemnly handed it to me. With a grip on my shoulder, he stared deep into my eyes and warned: "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be the best you have ever been in your life. And you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was eager to see if it worked.
I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then, standing nude next to the bed, yelled out to Ethyl who was in the kitchen: "Ethyl! Get your ass in here, I think I'm onto something you ain't gonna believe!"
Ethyl entered the bedroom at which time I immediately shouted "1-2-3!"
Instantaneously, I was the manliest of men.
Ethyl's eyes popped open, first in disbelief followed by frenzied concupiscence.
She threw her clothes onto the floor in a flash, whilst breathlessly inquiring: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
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Corrections
Waitress! Bring me another Remy 'n' Seven, you cantankerous slut!
Where the fuck was I? Ah yes.
On behalf of the Editorial Waterboard, and as a last warning to those sonsabitches at Gargle, the Managing Director would draw your attention to the uppermost article appearing on our unique sidebar, "Objectionable Correlatives" appearing left this date.
The Op-Ed piece, from "The New York Times," is entitled "Let's Talk About Sex,"
The name of the author, omitted through computer error, is, of course, the well-known commentator, Charles M. Blow.
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