Journal Bureau Chief Abuses Pontiff

JOCOP News Service--April 17, 2008

Scandal rocked the ecumenical community Thursday night as Vatican sources leaked details of The Journal’s David Marvin Mailer having abused His Eminence The Pope, brutally and repeatedly, in a midnight tryst at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn during an unscheduled stop in the Papal itinerary.

“I normally confine myself to underage, aluminical Australopithecus,” Mailer revealed in an exclusive interview with The Journal’s Ed Zachary.

“On this occasion, though, something just snapped and I felt a sudden tsunami of uncontrollable lust for homo sapiens—just as a change of pace, mind you. All work and no play make Jack one dull sonofabitch,” averred Mailer.

In reply to a query as to why he’d singled out Il Papa in particular, Mailer gazed into the distance for several moments , cleared his throat then spat emotionally onto the glazed tile of the Mens’ Shitter just down the hall from the Rheum Room.

“Well, first off, it seemed like the thing to do. Second, he was the only other guy in the Mens’ Shitter boisterously demanding what he called “Schnell Relief!”

"In the final analysis, I figured, what the hey, as long as I was going to defile my person with a species I wouldn’t ordinarily touch with a 2” pole, I might as well do to The Pontiff what he and his friends had been doing to Catholic Youth for the past 75 years.”

“And this took place where?” inquired Ed Zachary.

"Stall C for wide-stancers. We were both of us shitfaced on Remy and Seven…."

Asked if he had any message for His Eminence in the wake of an international incident of unprecedented unimportance, Mailer replied: “Yeah, I do. He don’t call, he don’t write, he don’t e-mail…"

"What am I supposed to do? Pray?”