"The Kuss Wur im Tuchus Code"

The basis was for this feature is contained in what was finally voted Book of the Year--the eponymous "Kuss Wur im Tuchus Code--by unanimous and partially conscious vote of the Editorial Waterboard at the world-renowned Bumfuck Holiday Inn Rheum Room to make the mandatory selection of their favorite tome, in the absence of which awards by every collection of anybody dead or alive anywhere, no books would sell and the Republic would be full of ignorant assholes.

Following the vote, the board immediately knocked back doubles of whatever they thought they were drinking and immediately repaired to the Log Cabin Republican Buffet next to the Mens' Shitter, at which time T. Lousy Dowser took honors for best performance in Stall C for wide stancers, co-starring Tab Hunter.


Written across the wall of the ancient, only recently discovered cave were the following symbols:



The archaeological find was acclaimed as a breakthrough by 98.4% of all scholars and specialists in the field. These were Field Archaeologists--the rest were House Archaeologists. Nearly all considered the hieroglyphics to be six thousand years old, minimum.



The piece of stone was removed, ruining the site by definition, but who cared, were they academics or were they not? The specimen was brought to the most prestigious museum in the world, Astroburger on Gower just next to Paramount, where the aforementioned archaeologists, specialists and a TV parachutist-journalist with a posh accent who shall remain nameless gave the usual on-the-scene broadcast on the basis that she was in Beirut.

Meanwhile, they came in their hundreds to assemble from around the world to study the ancient symbols. First item on the roster was to hold a huge meeting, preferably at the UN, but the Human Rights Commissioner said: "What. Kikes? Get the fuck outtahere before I call Security!" So it was that the archaeologists repaired by first class cross-country to the The Rainbow Room atop Rockefeller Center to discuss the meaning of the markings, leaving a carbon footprint King Kong couldn't fill.



The newly appointed Commissioner of the Society, Hilarious Hamrodius Clitorius (don't wanna rub her the wrong way) pointed to the first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these ancient people held women in high esteem, as well they should be. In fact--" But she was cut off by an intentionally accidental technical failure which was repaired in a jif, however.

"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey--what else?--so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil and move beyond the hunting and gathering stage which is more than I can say for a certain ex-president, but let's leave that for another day...."

"The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had developed tools to help them. This particular rendition of nascent technology may be less reminiscent of Stanley Kubrick's "2001" than Mel Brook's "Dawn of Man" sequence from History of The World, Part II, but that too is of little consequence."



"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine were visited upon the earth and food did not grow, they could seek nutrition from the sea, probably by means of angling."

"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were a bunch of Heebs--I mean Hebrews. It was such a long campaign, please forgive that misspeak...."



But the audience had missed the Freudian gaffe because they'd already burst into thunderous applause at this breakthrough translation of such an ancient albeit succinct hieroglyphic message from the distant past--a true link with our forefathers, except for the goyem--which however rendered them all the envy of intellectuals everywhere and entitled them to a $2.00 discount coupon at Pizza Hut.



Then a small humble looking individual stood up at the back of the room, appearing to be--how to put this delicately--of Semitic extraction, wearing the electric chair cap, etc.

He drew the crowd's attention as if by some personal magnetism. They now turned as one to look at this homunculus who explicated all in a voice so authoritative that it might have come from YHVH him/her/itself:

"Goyishe treyf!!" he bellowed.

"Hebrew reads from right to left, you fucking idiots!"

"It actually says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Bitch!!"

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