Jesus in a Restaurant

The Journal is proud to announce the First Annual Herpy Awards Ceremony, to be held at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn Business Conference Room on Bastille Day, 14th July 2007, 8 PM sharp. The contribution below, from our Alzheimer's Correspondent, Michael Edward Rashoff, is one of the nominees for Best Gag of the Year. Mike himself has been nominated for Best Joke of the Year. By his wife. If he wins in both categories, he has Herpes.

Details to be advised as they become available. Celebrity guests will be ubiquitous, as will hard drugs in lethal doses. In particular, you don't wanna miss the nominees reading their works, live in some cases, posthumous in others. Including the following:


An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "Yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea. "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold Dr Peppah!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold Dr. Pepper. "On my bill, hear?"

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus then passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

The Guy in the Middle

From Mike Rashoff....

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" inquired the wife.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied.

"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners."

"The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Parking Place

As regular readers will already know, Padraic O'Cossett gave up drinking a number of years ago. In this exclusive, we present the story behind the story.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me! If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord, I found one."