Over the past few years your Editorial Waterboard have published some inappropriate pictures and feeble attempts at humor for those whom we thought might share a similar outlook on life: foecal myopia.
Unfortunately this now appears not to have been the case and we seem to have upset a number of alleged people who have accused us of being sexist, shallow, unfeeling, bulletproof, shitfaced, repugnant, appalling, stultifying and not nice.
If you were one of these people, please accept our sincerest apologies. Honest.
Looking to 2012 onward, we will only post content of cultural, educational and/or appropriately sanctified political party-line importance such as old monuments, nature, concentration camps of acceptable membership and other interesting topics.
Below is a photograph of the Pont Neuf in Paris. (Paris, France.)
It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build.
It was completed in 1604.
Apologia Pro Anus Horribilus
Scottish Cow
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk heard they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply, which in Scotland is...unusual. They journeyed to the land of Robbie Burns, discovered the inhabitants had ransacked the local distillery and were drunker even than the Irish, bought the cow cheaply and returned to Eire.
The cow was, comment on dit, Awesome. Yes. Awesome. That is to say, it produced excellent milk in quantity. This is the definition of Awesome.
The Eireans, desirous of creating a herd, procured a massive payout from Brussels, drank most of it, then hired a prize-winning stud bull to mate with the cow--her name was Fionnula. If/when they sobered up, they would never have to worry about milk again.
They installed the bull in the pasture and escorted Fionnula into his presence with great enthusiasm, winking, nudging, etc.
Alas, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he--his name was John Thomas--was never able to fulfill his genetic destiny.
And lo, The People were upset and decided to bring in the veterinarian who was very wise and known the world over.
"Whenever Johnny tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did ya by chance, buy the feckin cow in Scotland?"
The People were dumbfounded. No one had mentioned to the vet they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"Verily, thou art truly wise, Vettie," they cried in unison. "Prithee, how did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye.
"My wife is from Scotland."
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We Regret
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Barrett,
We regret to inform you that your son passed away inside a short time hotel in a well-known adult entertainment area of Bangkok. Although we realize this news will come as a terrible shock to you, you may take comfort in knowing that your son did not die alone but was comforted by those he loved. (Please see enclosed invoices from Mlles. Lek and Noy.)
We are assured by those who knew him that he was well regarded, if not by the entire Bangkok community, certainly by many who knew him from inside Nana Plaza and whose bar bills he had settled prior to his demise. We know you would wish to honor his memory by paying off the four enclosed invoices in full.
The first invoice is for 4,000 baht, that is, 2,000 baht apiece from the two aforementioned young entertainment providers of Nana Plaza, Lek from the Erotica Bar and Noy from Playskool A Go Go.
The second is for certain items which your son is believed to have rented for the occasion from a club known as Demonia, formerly known as Cave Bar, Sukhumvit Road, Soi 33. These items include one leather flogger, one pair of handcuffs and assorted restraints, one braided kangaroo leather whip with horsehair tips, two pairs of leather lace-up bustiers, black leather lace-up shorts with matching black leather zip-up bras, bootcamp officer uniform including beret and campaign medals, jail bait costume including gingham plaid mini-skirt and pink hair ribbons and various schoolbooks such as Social Responsibility & Massage Parlor Management 101, wet look cleavage dress with slogan “My Sugar Daddy Reads The Big Chilli,” ruby-red ballet slippers with studded insteps and ankle straps, one battery-operated Bill Clinton cigar-shaped vibrator with repeating voice “I feel your pain,” one pair of unisexual handmade nipple clips, two “daddy’s little helper” baby doll fishnet thong teddys with ostrich feather trimming and stretched garter belts, two glow-in-the-dark G-strings, and, finally, two CDs with similar titles but dissimilar subject matter: The first is Anna and her Sisters. The second is Anna does her sisters. The total amount of this invoice is 9,660 baht. And twelve satang.
Third, there is the invoice for 380 baht from the hotel itself as your son apparently did not pay in advance. According to our sources, your son was allowed to settle his bill after his stays as he was a regular and welcome client at that establishment. The first part of this invoice for 300 baht reflects the special frequent guest price for the Gigolo Room, complete with wall and ceiling mirrors, vibrating bed, bag ladies in bondage wallpaper, and short-time shower with rubber hose. The remaining 80 baht charge is for your son’s purchase of four silky smooth, natural rubber, lubricated, deep-ribbed, ultra-sensitive, flare-shaped, latex condoms with reservoir tips, electronically textured for mutual pleasure.
Finally, we include the invoice passed on to us from the Thai Tourist Police Squadron, Nana Branch. We regret to mention that the Thai police found that one of the girl’s ID cards was false and the girl in question was under legal age according to the laws of Thailand. Your son is therefore being sued posthumously for having had sex with a minor but we are told, off the record, that if you pay the enclosed invoice of 40,000 baht promptly no further action will be taken.
On a happier note, we are pleased to enclose a gift certificate to the Chao Phraya II Massage Parlor which was found among your son’s possessions. We realize it would now be of little use to your son but perhaps you know of someone planning a trip to Thailand and you could pass it along.
You are no doubt aware that your son left written instructions to the effect that in the event of his passing he should be cremated, and, as this was prepaid, this has been carried out according to his wishes. Unfortunately, the prepaid amount was not quite enough to have your son’s ashes placed within the grounds of a temple, but we think you will be pleased to learn that your son’s ashes are to be auctioned off forcharity at the next Nanapong.com go-go contest which will be held in Nana Plaza’s Angel Witch bar in the very near future.
Again, we express our deepest sympathy for your loss and please note, regarding your remittance, the exchange rate between the baht and American dollar is now THB30 to one US dollar.
Very sincerely yours,
Citizen Services Section
US Embassy
Bangkok
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Int. Pharmacy. Night.
Siggy: Give me three packets of ribbed, lubricated extra large condoms, bitte.
Cashier: Jawohl, Herr Doktor! Would you like that with a perfectly anonymous, plain brown paper bag?
Siggy: Not necessary. She's not that ugly.
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Phenomenological Biker
I met a young woman in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought "Y'know. These taser guns are well worth the money."
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Kind of Human Milkness
I.
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A wretch of a homeless man sitting on the pavement said, "I've not eaten for two days." I told him: "I wish I had your will power."
II.
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.
III.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "No worries, dear, you're bound to lose it eventually."
IV.
As I approached the bank, I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any Change?" I said: "Nope, you're still black."
V.
Snow in the forecast. The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.
VI.
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks "What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus!" the man says. "Do you want me to be callin' Fadder O' Riley for ye then?" "No tanks, mister," says the boy, "sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment."
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I Tell Ya, I Don't Get No Respect
I.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
II.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife's dead." The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing's building up."
III.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest cock she'd ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
IV.
I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today. At least I presume she was poor--she only had $1.20 in her purse.
V.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
VI.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass. You think I should change dentists?
VII.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says "Whaddaya expect? You're in a wheel chair."
VIII.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
IX.
My wife has been missing for a week. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
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How to Ask for a Date
Begin by showing that you truly care for her as a Person. Gently touch her on the hand.
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Last Rites
A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic jaywalker knocking him clear over the curb. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.
Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.
A cop arrived on the scene, scanned the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a small ancient Jew who appeared to be pushing 90.
"Mister Police," he said, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for fifty years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue and every night I'm overhearing their services. I've heard it so many times I can recall a lot of it--maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
Time running out, the cop quickly agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The ancient Jew knelt down, leaned over the man and intoned most solemnly:
"B-5.... I-19.... N-38.... G-54.... O-72...."
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Bank Job II
An armed robber wearing a full balaclava burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
A brave customer grabbed the mask and pulled it completely off, revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer dead without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber immediately shot her too.
Everyone in the bank was staring intently down at the floor with fierce concentration.
The robber yelled: "Well? Anyone else see my face?"
There were a few moments of utter silence.
Then an old Norwegian named Ole yelled out: "The vife heer got a reely guud look at ya!"
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Advance Australia Fair
By unpopular demand, the following specimens of Aussie humor are published because the bloody cheapskytes wouldn't shout the Managing Eddidah another six coldies without it.
I.
I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish in the early hours of the Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight savings.
I said, “Bloody idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”
II.
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor Islamic orphans.
III.
Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.”
"That's right, Sheila," he replies, “and if you take it up the arse and let me come on your face, we could let the nanny go.”
IV.
Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough?
V.
Bloke gets a call from the police reporting his house'd been robbed.
A moment of silence passes.
VI.
Got this text from my brother recently: “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock."
"Yeh. So what?"
"It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat.”
VII.
Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I should have legged it right then.
But you don’t get offers like that every day.
VII.
The wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I'm coming or going.”
VIII.
Saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I rooted a sheila named Penny.
IX.
The wife's got her knickers in a twist again.
When asked in a recent survey, 91 per cent of Australian men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child.
Obviously none of them had ever seen 25 Poms being run down by a road train.
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Golden Saloon
A wageslave stumbles home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his wife who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the HELL have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar!" he slurs. "The Golden Saloon! Everything there is golden! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife doesn't believe this story at all.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes ma'am, it is," the bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Yes ma'am, we sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause.
Then the wife hears the bartender yelling: "Hey, Dexter! I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your sax last night!"
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Overcoming Depression
After both suffering from severe depression, my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday.
Strangely enough, after she'd killed herself, I inexplicably sensed a source of new strength that came over me from out of nowhere.
"This is gonna be tough," I admitted to myself.
"But somehow I've found the grit within to carry on."
"After all. Tomorrow is another day."
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Ben
JOCOP News Service
Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of Jack while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if you want the God's honest truth."
"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke.
"Mounting debt exacerbated—and was never relieved by--unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis, projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man--I'm telling you."
A drunken Bernanke attempted to find the Aerosmith song "Back In The Saddle" on the bar jukebox.
"And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands.
"Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self-sustaining growth."
After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted moves by "those motherfuckers in Congress" that could potentially exacerbate the nation's already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal Reserve Chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two customers he'd just met who were seated on either side of him, announcing, "I love these guys. And that cunt Greenspan can kiss my ass."
Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and "it wouldn't amount to jack shit."
"You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don't you?"
While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond market, the inebriated Fed Chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to be held up by the patron sitting next to him.
Another barfly confirmed Bernanke stood about two inches from her face and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to "totally fuck" consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.
"Sure, we could hold down long-term interest rates and pursue a program of quantitative easing, But c'mon already, we all know that's not going to make the slightest bit of difference when it comes to output, demand or employment," Bernanke said before being told to "try to keep [his godammned] voice down" by the bartender.
"And trust me, with the value of the dollar in the toilet, import costs going through the roof and numerous world governments unprepared for their own substantial debt burdens, shit's not looking too good for us abroad either."
"God, I'm so wasted," added Bernanke, resting his head on the bar.
Later in the evening, Richard Kampman, a truck driver who was laid off in 2010, said Bernanke approached him in the men's restroom and attempted to strike up a conversation about various factors contributing to the current financial crisis.
"He stumbled up to the urinal and started mumbling about the depressed housing sector or something," said Kampman, who claimed Bernanke had to use both hands on the wall to steady himself. "Then after a while he just sort of stopped and I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying."
"Then he puked all over the sink and the mirror," Kampman added.
Customers at the bar told reporters the "shitfaced" and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was "worthless."
"This is what it's all about," said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern.
"Fucking love this song."
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iTit
JOCOP News Service
August 3, 2011
Apple Inc. (NASDAQ:AAPL) announced today that it has developed a computer chip together with nanotechnology that can play high fidelity media in women's breast implants.
The "iTit" will cost between $499 and $699 depending on woofer ("boom box") specification. Designed at Apple's campus in Hindutino, California, the iTit will be manufactured in toto at the Foxconn suicide-prone manufacturing facility in Shenzhen, PRC, the president of which was quoted as promising "not to steal the design this time, honest."
"This will alter human intercourse as never before because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and never listening to them," said CEO Steve Jobs from his private ICU to a group of unemployed IT reporters.
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I Left My Sphincter in SF
At one time, San Francisco de Assisi was the most ethnically mongrel, beautiful, laissez-faire, jazz-ridden, hard-drinking city in the former USSA. It is now under occupation by a mere three tribes who have outlawed breathing.
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate exam by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have his next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
So there he was lying naked on the examination table and the nurse began to probe.
"Don't worry. At this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the patient.
"No," replied the nurse, "but I do."
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White Like Me
Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor hauled ass to the White House.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and said:"That tasted like bullshit!"
"It was," the doctor replied. "You were a quart low."
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Suffer The Little Bastards Unto Me
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and Goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked: "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa, honey?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Jezuz Jump-up Christ!" thought the father. "The kid is in contact with the other side!"
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, her daddy heard her say: "God bless Mommy. And Goodbye Daddy."
He barely made the bathroom before his bowels gave way uncontrollably. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to the office. He was nervous as a whore in church all day, drank lunch and watched the clock incessantly.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office. So instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief, staggered to the parking lot and drove home.
He said, "I don't want to talk about it! I just spent the worst day of my goddamned life!"
"You think you had a bad day," she said. "You won't fucking believe what happened to me."
"This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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