The Ballad of Turner Brown

From the viewpoint of the interdisciplinary investigator into the phenomenon of Transpastic Analysis™, the impact of aluminum foil on the apocryphal career of David Marvin Mailer, shown right, cannot be over- emphasized.

Indeed, an entire branch of criminal forensics, Aluminical Turpitude, is now devoted to this curious variation on ABM™ (Aggravated Bestial Metallicism) and was recently featured on an episode of CSI Miami ("Votre Chien, Mon Amour").

Many is the unfortunate canine in particular--although other species are by no means out of danger--which, caught from behind, as it were, in a public park only finds itself suddenly enveloped in an entire roll of Reynolds Wrap™, hustled off to a remote corner of an obscured area covered in shrubs, thence to be sexually abused without mercy or quarter, Mailer all the while singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" in a clear Irish tenor, piercing the chill night air.

Skinny little white guy walks into the elevator, looks up and sees this unbelievably huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch shillelagh, three pound balls, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and collapses to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and, shaking him, finally brings him to.

"What's wrong with you?" inquires the big guy.

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw the look you gave me and figured I'd just give you the standard answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm seven feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch shillelagh, my balls weigh three pounds each and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?"

"Yeah."

"Holy Jesus," says the little guy, "I thought you said 'Turn around.'"