Stunning Upset in MOTY Award Race

JOCOP News Service, Athens

May 23, 2010

The world of unemployed photo-journalists was stunned by the upset victory of S. Revitz in the 74th Annual Motherfucker of the Year competition.

Srevitz, well-known columnist for The Journal of Contemporary Opinion, scraped through with a bare 42% majority, beating out, but not off, better-financed, consultant-laden competitors including David "Son of Sam" Liebowitz, George Will, Nancy Pelosi, David Marvin Mailer, former Thai PM Thaksin Shinawatra, Rush Limbaugh and Britney Spears in a race that went down on the wired.

Srevitz accepted his victory with the charismatic aplomb that typified his non-campaign for the coveted honor.

"No comment," he averred to the assembled unemployables, "and Fuck You," replied Srevitz to the ex-journalists clamoring for anything quotable whatsoever that might contribute to the previous month's meth bill.

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Jocop Flashback: Legless

In order to meet the challenge to our preeminence in 24/7 news coverage from the likes of bottom-feeding turd-lickers such as CNN, Sky, BBC, Reuters, www.round- andbrown.com, et al, and to commemorate the divorce settlement of Sir Paul McCartney and his beautiful bride, Peg, we re-run the following eyewitness account from David Marvin Mailer.


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long," she said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles," according to a close friend. "She will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this."

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible," a source stated, "always trying to get a leg over."

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her absolutely legless."

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas. But that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm fucked, who'll want a one-legged gold digger?" His mate says: "Try Paul McCartney."

Finally a poem by Sir Paul:

I lay upon a grassy bank,
My hands were all aquiver.
Slowly I removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.

OICU812

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asked the audience for complete silence.

Then, in the total hush, he commenced clapping his hands—slowly, rhythmically—once every few seconds.

With the audience’s rapt attention now well and truly focused on himself, he intoned into the microphone:

“Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd came a Glaswegian voice.

“Well, fookin’ stop it then, ya murderous twat!”

Legless

Several months ago, The International Brotherhood of Anglo-Saxon Journalists threatened this publication with litigation if it didn't start a celebrity section and provide some real news for a change. Naturally, the editorial board turned to the one correspondent most familiar with this vital aspect of modern existence on account of that nasty case of clap he picked up on Hollywood Blvd while covering the Madonna story for our competitor (what a bunch of assholes), The Engineering News-Record, to wit, David Marvin Mailer. When he submitted this report, it was hotter than a two-dollar hooker at Kilo 10. Now, it's older than petrified dog shit. But if only for the sake of our children, and our children's children, we include it here as a pubic service.


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long," she said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles," according to a close friend. "She will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this."

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible," a source stated, "always trying to get a leg over."

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her absolutely legless."

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas. But that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm fucked, who'll want a one-legged gold digger?" His mate says: "Try Paul McCartney."

Finally a poem by Sir Paul:

I lay upon a grassy bank,
My hands were all aquiver.
Slowly I removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.