As the Readership well knows, The Journal's record of support for our Gazan brethren and cistern goes without saying, with the sole proviso that we say it. In stark and revealing contrast to the competition such as those motherfuckers at Time, Sports Illustrated, The Manchester Gurniad, Frankfurter Achtung, Reader's Digest, Classics Illustrated, Playgoy and The Jewish Weekly Chronicle, The Editorial Waterboard has courageously supported both Tostadas, the righteous rocketing of Zionist kindergartens, termination with extreme prejudice of Danish cartoonists and, most of all, the clitorial circumcision of Michael Edward Rashoff.
Yesterday's spontaneously orchestrated demonstration in Bumfuck was no exception. Shown above, from either left or right all the way over to the other side of the whatsis, are Waterboard members David Marvin Mailer, Hugh Jorgen and Padraic O'Cossett, exercising their Sharia-bout That© endowed right to stand on the pavement. Followed by a frenzied caucus at the Log Cabin Buffet in the Mens' Shitter, just down the hall from the Rheum Room at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn, starring Gore Vidal.
Aloha Snackbar™! And, like, death to all the other guys.
.
Sppourt Gzaa!
Hugh Jorgen Writes
The Journal's defrocked Left Coast Bureau Chief, Hugh Jorgen, shown right, currently under indictment for Crimes Against Humor© and now living a life of sildenafil-citrate fuelled Senile Democracy™, has forwarded the missive below in an unctuous attempt to insinuate himself back into the good graces of the Editorial Waterboard.
The Board would merely refer to the night deposit he left in Stall C (wide stancers only) immediately adjacent to the Log Cabin Buffet in the Mens' Shitter just down the hall from the Rheum Room.
Starring Larry Craig.
Dear Jocop,
In an attempt to fulfill the 12-step programme that will, my therapist advises me, eventuate my ultimate return to the Editorial Waterboard and a new start at the only way of life capable of rendering my otherwise meaningless existence tolerable, I have just read an article on the dangers of drinking.
You can believe me when I tell you, it scared the living bejezuz outta this cowpoke.
Please be advised, therefore, that from here on in--that's it.
No more reading.
In nomine patrius et fillii et spiritus sancti,
Hugh Jorgen
Mailer's Centenary
Editorial Waterboard revelers erupted into sildenafil citrate-fuelled euphoria when the charismatic David Marvin Mailer made his entree into The Rheum Room at the Bumfuck Holiday Inn Saturday night on the occasion of his 100th birthday.
Waterboard members are shown above as they gather round The Journal’s Far East Subprime Transpastic Bureau Chief to tender their heartfelt congratulations.
Mailer, pictured below with his first cousin, Hillary Rodham Mailer, during the post-prandial wedding night reenactment in The Larry Craig Suite, was unavailable for comment.
Chairman of the Editorial Waterboard
The Editorial Waterboard regrets to announce the passing of its Chairman, Nuan Prachakorn, on 16th February 2008.
Nuan was twelve (84).
Memorial services to be held into perpetuity at the Rheum Room.
The Board kindly request that, in lieu of flowers, contributions be sent to the National Rifle Association.
Near this spot
Are deposited the Remains of one
Who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferocity,
And all the Virtues of Man without his Vices.
This Praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
If inscribed over human ashes,
Is but a just tribute to the Memory of
Boatswain, a dog
Who was born at Newfoundland, May, 1803,
And died at Newstead, Nov 18th, 1808.
When some proud son of man returns to earth,
Unknown to glory, but upheld by birth,
The sculptor's art exhausts the pomp of woe,
And storied urns record who rest below:
When all is done, upon the tomb is seen,
Not what he was, but what he should have been:
But the poor dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his master's own,
Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,
Unhonour'd falls, unnoticed all his worth,
Denied in heaven the soul he held on earth:
While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.
Oh man! thou feeble tenant of an hour,
Debased by slavery, or corrupt by power,
Who knows thee well must quit thee with disgust,
Degraded mass of animated dust!
Thy love is lust, thy friendship all a cheat,
Thy smiles hypocrisy, thy words deceit!
By nature vile, ennobled but by name,
Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame.
Ye! who perchance behold this simple urn,
Pass on --- it honours none you wish to mourn:
To mark a friend's remains these stones arise; I never knew but one,
--- and here he lies.
The Oiled and Gassed Faction, Part I
The Oiled and Gassed Faction within the Editorial Waterboard achieved their Completion Certificate in connection with provision of each and every item of expense necessary to install steel pillars within embedded concrete stanchions immediately outside the Rheum Room, all in total conformance with the specification as pictured below.
Whence they shall demobilize the van after establishing that the level of construction expertise brought to this project by The Oiled and Gassed Faction is to rationalized planning what panty hose is to finger fucking.
Hair
Up here in wintry Bumfuck, any one of your Editorial Waterboarders may find himself on the pavement, unaccountably situated outside the Rheum Room in hot pursuit of the car, parked anywhere inside or outside a six-block radius.
This is due to wind conditions arising from subprime global warming.
Support Larry
In conjunction with the Bumfuck Jaycees and the local chapter of the Idaho Log Cabin Republicans, the Editorial Board—native Idahoes all—has voted unanimously to co-sponsor an “Evening for Larry” next Saturday night at the Holiday Inn.
Larry--Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho)—will make a personal appearance and grace the crowd with his rendition of Vesti la Giubba as performed by Alberto Gonzales, followed by a stirring attack on the liberace news media biased against Gay Old Party stalwarts via innuendo.
The Bumfuck branch of the statewide Supporters United against Craig Kickers (SUCK) will host an open bar from 0600-2000 hours in the Men’s Room with a full buffet located adjacent to the shitters for diners’ convenience. A door prize will be awarded to the winner of a recital in which participants will compete in either Rimsky- Korsakov’s world-renowned “Flight of the Bumble Bee” on the skinflute. Or the traditional “Slobber Blues” on the meatwhistle.
The Board regretfully announces David Marvin Mailer will not be authorized for participation on the grounds his constitutionally guaranteed species-preference will not be represented. The Journal has been advised Mailer is in touch with his attorneys in connection with potential litigation.
Moment of Silence
The Editorial Board is bibulously crestfallen to find itself in receipt of the appalling report appearing below, sent in by our Left Coast Bureau Chief, Hugh Jorgen.
Once a respected, albeit frequently exposed, member of the Editorial Board, Hugh now finds himself phenomenologically face-to-face with metastatic flatulence, tertiary syphillis and Senile Democracy™.
Jorgen (left) is pictured here in conference with his long-time male companion prior to onset of PL™ (Plummeting Libido).
Would the readership kindly observe a moment of silence to mourn the passing of a wit once the envy of two winos and a displaced moron from the Probation Department down on Market Street in Fat City.
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches than casinos in the desert metropolis.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they receive chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect and collate the offerings.
The churches collectively send their chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and accounting. The chips are then taken to their respective casinos of origin, cashed in and returned, in perfect order, whence they came.
This work is performed by devotees known as chip monks.
Journal Awarded 2007 Dunning-Kruger Prize
Your Editorial Board is proud to announce The Journal of Contemporary Opinion has been awarded the Taco Bell® Dunning-Kruger Prize for 2007. The prize, in the amount of USD 250,000 (€3.94), is awarded yearly by the Dickens Pub in Stavanger to that web publication which, over the previous year has most consistently exemplified the characteristics of the Dunning-Kruger effect, as obfuscated by Wikipedia below.
Taco Bell® is the national telecommunications conglomerate of Mexico.
The Dunning-Kruger effect is the phenomenon whereby people who have little knowledge systematically think that they know more than others who have much more knowledge.
The phenomenon was demonstrated in a series of experiments performed by Justin Kruger and David Dunning, then both of Cornell University. Their results were published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in December 1999.[1]
Kruger and Dunning noted a number of previous studies which tend to suggest that in skills as diverse as reading comprehension, operating a motor vehicle, and playing chess or tennis, that "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" (as Charles Darwin put it). They hypothesized that with a typical skill which humans may possess in greater or lesser degree,
- incompetent individuals tend to overestimate their own level of skill,
- incompetent individuals fail to recognize genuine skill in others,
- incompetent individuals fail to recognize the extremity of their inadequacy,
- if they can be trained to substantially improve their own skill level, these individuals can recognize and acknowledge their own previous lack of skill.
In a series of studies, Kruger and Dunning examined self-assessment of logical reasoning skills, grammatical skills and humor. After being shown their test score, the subjects were again asked to estimate their own rank whereupon the competent group accurately estimated their rank, while the incompetent group still overestimated their own rank. As Dunning and Kruger noted,
"Across 4 studies, the authors found that participants scoring in the bottom quartile on tests of humor, grammar and logic grossly overestimated their test performance and ability. Although test scores put them in the 62nd percentile, they estimated themselves to be in the 12th." Meanwhile, people with true knowledge tended to underestimate their competence.
A follow-up study suggests that grossly incompetent students improve both their skill level and their ability to estimate their class rank only after extensive tutoring in the skills they had previously lacked.
Prolegomena to Any Further Horseshit
After a hiatus noted by a significant percentage of our readership—Bert & Ethyl Finsterwald of Winnemucca, NV--the Editorial Board are pleased to announce the release on his own recognizance of Mr Bo Stenberg, the Managing Editor, from the Paul Wolfowitz Center for Rehabilitation, Slushfund Administration and War Planning in beautiful downtown Bumfuck.
Shown above is Mr Stenberg reading from The Little Red Book, assisted by one of the counselors at the rehab center with whom he practiced the twelve-step programme just about as often as is humanly [sic] possible during his protracted recovery from the ravages of steroid and sildenafil citrate addiction, all of which came in pretty goddamned handy.
A number of readers have noted the absence of contributions during the Managing Editor’s epic struggle and ultimate victory over you-name-it, as if the Editorial Board had somehow failed to leap into the breach and make the personal sacrifices necessary to ensure The Journal’s absolutely vital 24-hour news cycle continuity.
The Board duly appointed a blue-ribbon commission to study these allegations. After publishing the detailed results of its investigation into these charges, your Editorial Board is able to advise its definitive and comprehensive conclusion, fully supported by documented research to the satisfaction of the most notorious fascists in the state. Based on these findings, the Board advise the readership as follows:
Blow it out your ass.
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