One of The Journal's hapless ad-starved competitors [Pederasts to a man and several of the other three genders. --Ed.], "The Washington Past," has again published winning submissions to this year's contest in which readers are invited to supply alternate definitions for common words in order to fight and lose the war on turgid neologisms.
The winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Washington Past Competition
Do You Read Journal™? Wlel Do Ya Pnuk?
Alltcauy terhe inst mcuh to rneaidg it. The tcirk is to saepk it. Lsesnos gvien ntlghiy aetfr auobt 10pm at the Ruhem Room of the Bfmcuuk Hidolay Inn by meebrmes of the Eoidatriil Wrbortaaed.
No porlbem mohtreckfeur.
Raed Tihs, Aolsshe
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg--the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a fckunig mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Mhtoreckfuer.
Lack of Respect
The Editorial Board herewith advise that our Perversion and Obituary Science Correspondent, David Marvin Mailer, is now placed on probation and faces disciplinary action such as castration. Mailer is perfectly aware of The Journal's long-standing and continuing support for the Commander-in-Chief and we will brook no further disrespect in this regard and would merely remind Mailer of his own dictum [sic]: "Obscenity is the linguistic crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker." Which, as irrevelant to this matter as it may be, serves to remind that it is only out of our commitment to a free press and the 10th Amendment to The Prostitution that we publish inflammatory, seditious and seriously anti-Republican rubbish of this ilk just one more time.
The Government They Deserve
Some sour old sonsabitches have recently been making noise to the effect that plummeting educational standards are contributing to a catastrophic decline in the level of public discourse across the West.
What bullshit.
S Revitz, the Journal's Philology Correspon- dent, has forwarded excerpts from recent essays by contemporary students (the Big PX in this case) which prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that it's all, like, whatever.
OK?
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Lufthansa
Salty Slivers, London's first Professional Drinking Facilitator back when it still counted, rushed into The Sun in Splendour one evening after work, sat down, lit a cigaret and drew carefully on the pre-delivered gin and tonic. Bo Stenberg, a student of aviation in order to avoid it, was there.
“Well I finally found out what it means,” she told him.
“What.”
“Lufthansa. You wanted to know what it meant.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did. I found out. Chap at work told me what it means. It’s an acronym.”
“No it isn’t.”
“'Tis.”
They drank and smoked quietly for a few minutes.
Then Stenberg couldn’t take it anymore.
“Well then, what’s it mean?”
“I’m not saying.”
“I’ll buy you another drink.”
“Well if you must know,” she said.
“LUFTHANSA—Let Us Fuck The Hostess And Not Say Anything.”
Mensa Invitazione
This was forwarded by Hugh Jorgen during The Cold War. That is to say, the good old days. Hugh was asked, rather early on, to resign from Mensa for intentionally shitting his pants during the prayer breakfast.
The Washington Post's "Mensa Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.
- Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from pentrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
- Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
- Inoculatte (n.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease.
- Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
- Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
- Dopeler effect (sci.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic fit (sci.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (pron.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
- Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Annual Neologism Awards
From the desk of WisdomoftheEast.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent.
Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your night gown.
Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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