Metamorphosis

As David Marvin Mailer awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic Henny Youngman.

Badumpbump.


I.

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.


II.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

Lady behind the till fetches a KitKat Chunky and places it on the counter.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."


III.

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings from the Seventies so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green; and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a great big red mark on her forehead.


IV.

I was at the ATM when a very old lady walks up, extends her Cashpoint card and asks me to check her balance.

I pushed her over.


V.

A man walks into the library and asks for a book on suicide.

"Fuck off," replies the librarian. "You'll never bring it back."


VI.

Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

"Gerroff, mate! That was bloody impressive!"

"Ah, nothin' to it, I get lots o' practice. The wife's an epileptic."


VII.

An intellectual suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "You haram uncleans! You've got 30 seconds to clear off! Allahu Akbar!"

The Great Gazan Tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "Wrong shop, ya cunt!"

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