Ted Steveley reminds us of a time when uncensored, analog TV and heavy daytime drinking originally begat the term "multitasking."
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No--wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You?'
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough!'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'll be too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics; what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It kept me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it into his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car--the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
.
Before Kulturzusammenbruch: Hollywood Squares
American Joke
Two weeks before the Crash, an American investment banker whose Hummer had broken down found himself stranded in the middle of Mexican nowhere for a day. Out of contact with the office, he strolled dazed and aimless through the pathetically quiet, still undiscovered village on the coast. Finding himself at the village's single pier, he observed a small boat approach with just a single fisherman aboard and watched as the Mexican lowered sail and docked expertly. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Celestina, stroll into the village each evening where I drink wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a busy life."
The American scoffed, shaking his head. "Listen up, my friend. I am a Harvard MBA and this is your lucky day. Because I can help you bigtime. You've got to spend more time fishing, and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you can then buy several boats. Eventually you will have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you will sell directly to the processor. Eventually, you will open your own cannery. You will control the product, processing and distribution. You escape this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "With my help, 15 to 20 years. Tops."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you will announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become filthy rich, you will make millions."
"Millions...? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you will retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you will sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandchildren, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you will drink wine and play the guitar with your amigos."
.
Pimp My Cherry
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out in the Plymouth, park and make love for the first time.
The boy is immediately euphoric but he has never had sex before, with another person, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. In fact, the druggist goes into a level of detail that is positively extraordinary, providing the youth with a grasp of technique and titillation previously unknown to him or, for that matter, anyone not subject to the laws of galloping satyriasis.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time. The druggist rings up the charge, gives the kid a broad wink and a thumbs up and tells him to go out there and do his duty to American Manhood.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy enters and his girl escorts him immediately to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "Jesus, I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
.
Death in Blighty. And Elsewhere.
Pall Nosiree, renowned automotive authority and traditional 'four-on-the-floor' technician, recently had his star removed from the wall in Langley, VA. Ooops.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife's.”
“What happened to her?”
The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law, she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line.”
.
Caliphate. Le Parfum.
With thanks to Darrin H. of australianidentity.net.
Siddiqui (of the otherwise commercially profligate but in this instance strictly non-alcohol Siddiquies) arrived in Sydney and was barely six weeks into target acquisition when he fell critically ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of the unbelievers were of any use.
Desperate, he had no choice but to turn to his contacts in the State Department in D.C. who instantly directed him to a moderately genocidal Saudi Wahab practitioner who listened briefly to Siddiqui's list of symptoms, nodded sagely and quickly squeeked: "Take thees bocket, go into the other room, sheet into the bocket, piss on the sheet and then place you face directly over and down into the bocket and breathe in for ten minutes. Hamdellalah!
Siddiqui dutifully picked up the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and consumed the fumes for the prescribed full ten minutes.
Rushing back to the doctor's surgery, and completely ignoring the six seriously wounded explosives technicians patiently biding their time in the waiting room, he burst in and exclaimed: "Allahu Akbar! It worked! I feel terrific! I am ready for total Jihad! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick."
This Is London Calling
A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector.
Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and orders him to pay up: "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."
The Scotsman responds: "I ha'not, I want a ha'p'ny fare, just got on this vera moment."
They begin to argue and the ticket collector becomes ever more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London Bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus.
It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.
The Scotsman stands gobsmacked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket...but now you've gone 'n' drowned me boy Robbie!"
.
Not So OK Corral
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen."
"So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and punched him in the mouth. Then I kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground."
"Then I told them: 'Now you sonsabitches back off or I'll kick the living shit out of each and every one of you.'"
St. Peter was impressed: "And when did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
.
The Diagnosis
For Christopher Hitchens and Allan Turner
She helped him up out of the chair and escorted him down the corridor to the surgery.
Inside, seated behind the desk, sat the normally cheerful Dr Busapavanich who did not look happy. Stenberg managed a wai but the doctor waved it away and told him to sit down.
"Khun Bo, no sense to beat the bush. It is Parkinson's."
"Parkinsons!?" ejaculated Stenberg, immediately rejuvenated. "Why, that's wonderful! What luck! I've been waiting years for this!"
"Uh, Khun Bo. This is not good. This is a degenerative condition."
"Oh come off it, Louie. This is my moment! I've finally made the grade, see? I'm a goddamned parvenu. An arriviste, with any luck. I'll finally be somebody! It's just like winning the lottery with a stolen lottery ticket. Not that I ever--"
"Bo Baby to you."
"OK. Bo Baby. This is Parkinson's Disease. You will disintegrate."
"Bullshit. Do you take me for a fool? I know what Parkinson's is. It's when you've been promoted to your level of incompetence. I've been waiting for this since 1953."
"Bo," intoned the physician, "that is the Peter Principle."
Stenberg froze as if plunged into a world of liquid nitrogen.
"You don't mean...?" His eyes charted 180°South magnetic.
"No. Not that."
"Well then. Who cares?"
"Bo baby. There are techniques now, new genomic research...."
"Do you mind if I smoke?" inquired Stenberg.
"Not at all. I'll have one too if you don't mind. Kindly shove that towel on the floor into the space at the bottom."
"It's not thaistick, Louie."
"That distinction, like a few others, my friend, is from another time. The towel please." Stenberg pushed the towel under the door with an abandoned prophylaxis.
"You don't have a drink on you?" inquired the patient.
"Not here. Out in the BMW."
"The Peter Principle you say--"
"Yes."
"Aha. So with Parkinson's I'll simply fall apart. But I'll still have the king kong kuay."
"That is correct."
"It's a great pity, Louie. From a certain perspective, I mean. I don't have to tell you what it is, really."
"Arai na?"
"It means, Louie," said the derelict with a thousand yard stare he had not possessed a mere ten minutes before, "it means that I failed to get promoted to my level of incompetence."
.
Chameau
Subincontinental Humour
In response to an inadvertently amusing article in "Time's Up Magazine" on Indian-American humor, WisdomoftheEast, a resident of Hindutino, California and inventor of the original and ever-popular Vodkaburger™ ("Hold the beef! Eat the sauce!"™), has forwarded this previously little-known account of a diplomatic incident which took place during the Cold War:
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."
Poor Mrs. Gandhi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out to the Premier.
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!"
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly and then returned to the car.
"Sir, I can't shoot that man," blurted the driver.
"Why not?"
"He's the Indian ambassador."
.
The High Hard One
Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:
"You know that new girl at work, the one I've been wanting to ask out?" he inquires.
"Yeah, what about her?" Rick replies.
"Well, every time I see her, I get an instant hard-on and have to turn away to hide it."
"Jesus, that's tough. Why don't you try taping your dick to your leg--then it won't show," Rick suggests.
Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.
A few days later, they meet again:
"Well, I called her and asked her out and she said yes," Joe reports.
"That's great!"
"So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing more or less nothing--"
"Whoa! How'd it go?"
Despite all attempts at self-control, Joe crumbles and bursts into tears but manages to say: "I kicked her in the face."
.
Eight Stories
I.
When my husband and I arrived at the automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked inside the car. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Missouri.
II.
We had to have the automatic garage door repaired.
III.
My daughter and I rolled up to the McDonald's take-out window. Our total was $4.25.
IV.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee inquired, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
V.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it is a signal for blind people to indicate when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What are blind people doing driving automobiles?!'
She was a senior probation officer in Wichita , Kansas.
VI.
The company held a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'
Our manager rose to speak with the requisite upbeat countenance.
This was at Texas Instruments.
VII.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip into itself. She carefully examined the wiring. She could not understand why she could not turn on her computer.
She was a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office.
VIII.
It was the first day of school in Kansas City, Missouri. Getting to know her students, the kindergarten teacher inquired how to pronounce a little girl's name.
"Le-a?"
"Leah?"
"No."
"Lee-Ah?"
The Rhyde of the Ancient Mariner
An ancient seaman by the name of Morgan, on the beach for many years, dons his old uniform and heads for the docks one last time to pay his final respects to Neptune.
At a public bar, he soon engages a professional woman who is not destined for a corporate VP slot and follows her ample lead up the stairwell to the short time facility in what appears to be the port's least fashionable hotel.
In due course, he's progressing as well as he can, given the fact he is 82 years old. But in need of reassurance despite the massive 500mg dose of sildenafil citrate he skolled while barely making it up the stairwell, he inquires of his interlocutor: "Hey, baby, how am I doing?"
The pudendic practioner replies: "Well, old timer, you're doing right around three knots."
"Three knots?' he asks, introducing a sudden hiatus into the proceedings. "Isn't that a little slow?"
"Well, let me put it to you, as it were, another way, Admiral. You're knot hard, you're knot in...and you're knot getting a refund."
.
The Gag That Made RCH Famous
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant.
After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check.
To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."
.
Sarah Palin Nude
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous as a whore in church."
The first kid says, "No problem, dawg. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you all the ice cream you can eat. Nothing to it."
The second kid then inquires: "What are you in here for then?"
The first kid says, "Circumcision."
The second kid says, "You gotta be shittin' me! Good luck with that one, pal. I had it done when I was born and couldn't walk for a fuckin' year."
Stunning Upset in MOTY Award Race
JOCOP News Service, Athens
.jpg)
