As select members of the readership may be aware, Mostly Big Dave has been covertly embedded in a hot-sheet motel just outside Tehran whence he has filed this moving plea against the inhumanity of these savages:
I can honestly say, I never want to see an image like this again.
If this doesn't bring tears to your eyes you have no soul.
Is their no limit to their cruelty?
Some of them were 15 years old, some 12....
Some not even that....
(Scroll down.)
Horror in Iran
OBL's Burial At Sea! New Details!
JOCOP News Service
May 8, 2011
Bin Laden Given Religious Funeral Prior to Sea Burial
Osama bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to his burial at sea, senior military officials told Al-Jazeera.
Religious rites were conducted on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson at about 1:10 a.m. Monday in the Persian Gulf. In accordance with Islamic practice, bin Laden was washed and wrapped in a white sheet before being buried at sea at 2 a.m. local time, senior U.S. military and intelligence officials said.
"Then", according to one unnamed officer, "in accordance with US Navy SEAL practice, the team pissed on him, put a hot pork sandwich in his mouth, stuck a kosher hot dog up his ass and pushed the motherfucker overboard with the rest of the garbage."
.
I Don't Care What They Say--God Bless The IRS
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment--Jesus I hate people--then says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor recoils in amazement.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks, tauntingly. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss Evel Knievel-like into that wastebasket on the other side--and never lose a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is now paranoid. But he looks carefully and decides there's no way in the world this old fart can possibly manage it. So he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants.
Although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, thus pissing on pretty much the entirety of the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
Grandpa's attorney groans, utters the words "Oh my fucking God!" and plunges his heads in his hands.
"Excuse me Sir," says the auditor, "Are you okay?"
"Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when this decrepit sonofabitch told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."
.
Roswell Deconstructed
Two aliens landed in Roswell, New Mexico near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump did not respond.
The younger alien became angry at the total silence.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's hauteur, he drew his raygun and said, "For the last time, Earthling, we come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that. I really don't think you want to piss this one off."
"Bullshit," replied the cocky, young alien . He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared toward the aliens and blew the younger visitor from space off his feet and deposited him an incinerated, smoking carcass 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, the young alien refocused his three eyes, straightened his antennae and cast a dazed glance at the older wiser alien who had backed off and was now standing over him shaking his fluorescent green cranium.
"What a ferocious sonofabitch!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He goddamned near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy fried friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it's this: you don't want to fuck with a guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."
.
An American Dreamscape
This came in shortly after the Commander-in-Chief's heroic victory over Katrina. It should be noted, if it is not already obvious, that Padraic O'Cossett gave up drinking a number of years back. His contribution below illustrates the unintended consequence of a rash, ill-considered, confused, totally irrational--in short, sober--decision of this nature. Let us each in his/her/its own way, pray for him.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. Almost.
The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spots a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. The youngster casually throws a hand-grenade straight through a window from a distance of 80 meters. Then he threw another from 50 meters straight down a chimney, finally ending the demonstration by hitting a passing car going 135 km per hour, blowing it to kingdom come.
"I've got to get this guy!" the coach says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he pulls strings, brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And sure enough, the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!”
War on Terror: The Simultaneous Equation
David Marvin Mailer forwarded this news release during a kindler, more gentle phase of the War on Terror.
NEW YORK--A public-school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.' "
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
S. Revitz' War on Tare, Phase I
S. Revitz forwarded this as part of his personal war effort back in Aught Three.
Then the Commander-in-Chief took over...
News Release
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
The photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
