We Regret

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Barrett,

We regret to inform you that your son passed away inside a short time hotel in a well-known adult entertainment area of Bangkok. Although we realize this news will come as a terrible shock to you, you may take comfort in knowing that your son did not die alone but was comforted by those he loved. (Please see enclosed invoices from Mlles. Lek and Noy.)

We are assured by those who knew him that he was well regarded, if not by the entire Bangkok community, certainly by many who knew him from inside Nana Plaza and whose bar bills he had settled prior to his demise. We know you would wish to honor his memory by paying off the four enclosed invoices in full.

The first invoice is for 4,000 baht, that is, 2,000 baht apiece from the two aforementioned young entertainment providers of Nana Plaza, Lek from the Erotica Bar and Noy from Playskool A Go Go.

The second is for certain items which your son is believed to have rented for the occasion from a club known as Demonia, formerly known as Cave Bar, Sukhumvit Road, Soi 33. These items include one leather flogger, one pair of handcuffs and assorted restraints, one braided kangaroo leather whip with horsehair tips, two pairs of leather lace-up bustiers, black leather lace-up shorts with matching black leather zip-up bras, bootcamp officer uniform including beret and campaign medals, jail bait costume including gingham plaid mini-skirt and pink hair ribbons and various schoolbooks such as Social Responsibility & Massage Parlor Management 101, wet look cleavage dress with slogan “My Sugar Daddy Reads The Big Chilli,” ruby-red ballet slippers with studded insteps and ankle straps, one battery-operated Bill Clinton cigar-shaped vibrator with repeating voice “I feel your pain,” one pair of unisexual handmade nipple clips, two “daddy’s little helper” baby doll fishnet thong teddys with ostrich feather trimming and stretched garter belts, two glow-in-the-dark G-strings, and, finally, two CDs with similar titles but dissimilar subject matter: The first is Anna and her Sisters. The second is Anna does her sisters. The total amount of this invoice is 9,660 baht. And twelve satang.

Third, there is the invoice for 380 baht from the hotel itself as your son apparently did not pay in advance. According to our sources, your son was allowed to settle his bill after his stays as he was a regular and welcome client at that establishment. The first part of this invoice for 300 baht reflects the special frequent guest price for the Gigolo Room, complete with wall and ceiling mirrors, vibrating bed, bag ladies in bondage wallpaper, and short-time shower with rubber hose. The remaining 80 baht charge is for your son’s purchase of four silky smooth, natural rubber, lubricated, deep-ribbed, ultra-sensitive, flare-shaped, latex condoms with reservoir tips, electronically textured for mutual pleasure.

Finally, we include the invoice passed on to us from the Thai Tourist Police Squadron, Nana Branch. We regret to mention that the Thai police found that one of the girl’s ID cards was false and the girl in question was under legal age according to the laws of Thailand. Your son is therefore being sued posthumously for having had sex with a minor but we are told, off the record, that if you pay the enclosed invoice of 40,000 baht promptly no further action will be taken.

On a happier note, we are pleased to enclose a gift certificate to the Chao Phraya II Massage Parlor which was found among your son’s possessions. We realize it would now be of little use to your son but perhaps you know of someone planning a trip to Thailand and you could pass it along.

You are no doubt aware that your son left written instructions to the effect that in the event of his passing he should be cremated, and, as this was prepaid, this has been carried out according to his wishes. Unfortunately, the prepaid amount was not quite enough to have your son’s ashes placed within the grounds of a temple, but we think you will be pleased to learn that your son’s ashes are to be auctioned off forcharity at the next Nanapong.com go-go contest which will be held in Nana Plaza’s Angel Witch bar in the very near future.

Again, we express our deepest sympathy for your loss and please note, regarding your remittance, the exchange rate between the baht and American dollar is now THB30 to one US dollar.

Very sincerely yours,

Citizen Services Section
US Embassy
Bangkok

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Last Rites

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic jaywalker knocking him clear over the curb. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A cop arrived on the scene, scanned the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a small ancient Jew who appeared to be pushing 90.

"Mister Police," he said, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for fifty years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue and every night I'm overhearing their services. I've heard it so many times I can recall a lot of it--maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

Time running out, the cop quickly agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The ancient Jew knelt down, leaned over the man and intoned most solemnly:

"B-5.... I-19.... N-38.... G-54.... O-72...."

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Overcoming Depression

After both suffering from severe depression, my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday.

Strangely enough, after she'd killed herself, I inexplicably sensed a source of new strength that came over me from out of nowhere.

"This is gonna be tough," I admitted to myself.

"But somehow I've found the grit within to carry on."

"After all. Tomorrow is another day."

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Death in Blighty. And Elsewhere.

Pall Nosiree, renowned automotive authority and traditional 'four-on-the-floor' technician, recently had his star removed from the wall in Langley, VA. Ooops.


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife's.”

“What happened to her?”

The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law, she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied, “Get in line.”

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The Diagnosis

For Christopher Hitchens and Allan Turner

The nurse with the ass that made you want to shoot yourself approached the derelict, smiled and said, "Doctor see you now."

She helped him up out of the chair and escorted him down the corridor to the surgery.

Inside, seated behind the desk, sat the normally cheerful Dr Busapavanich who did not look happy. Stenberg managed a wai but the doctor waved it away and told him to sit down.

"Khun Bo, no sense to beat the bush. It is Parkinson's."

"Parkinsons!?" ejaculated Stenberg, immediately rejuvenated. "Why, that's wonderful! What luck! I've been waiting years for this!"

"Uh, Khun Bo. This is not good. This is a degenerative condition."

"Oh come off it, Louie. This is my moment! I've finally made the grade, see? I'm a goddamned parvenu. An arriviste, with any luck. I'll finally be somebody! It's just like winning the lottery with a stolen lottery ticket. Not that I ever--"

"Khun Bo--"

"Bo Baby to you."

"OK. Bo Baby. This is Parkinson's Disease. You will disintegrate."

"Bullshit. Do you take me for a fool? I know what Parkinson's is. It's when you've been promoted to your level of incompetence. I've been waiting for this since 1953."

"Bo," intoned the physician, "that is the Peter Principle."

Stenberg froze as if plunged into a world of liquid nitrogen.

"You don't mean...?" His eyes charted 180°South magnetic.

"No. Not that."

"Well then. Who cares?"

"Bo baby. There are techniques now, new genomic research...."

"Do you mind if I smoke?" inquired Stenberg.

"Not at all. I'll have one too if you don't mind. Kindly shove that towel on the floor into the space at the bottom."

"It's not thaistick, Louie."

"That distinction, like a few others, my friend, is from another time. The towel please." Stenberg pushed the towel under the door with an abandoned prophylaxis.

The two men inhaled, leaned back and gave the situation due diligence.

"You don't have a drink on you?" inquired the patient.

"Not here. Out in the BMW."

"The Peter Principle you say--"

"Yes."

"Aha. So with Parkinson's I'll simply fall apart. But I'll still have the king kong kuay."

"That is correct."

"And the sildenafil...?"

"Never a problem in your case, my friend."

They smoked in silence a while.

"It's a great pity, Louie. From a certain perspective, I mean. I don't have to tell you what it is, really."

"Arai na?"

"It means, Louie," said the derelict with a thousand yard stare he had not possessed a mere ten minutes before, "it means that I failed to get promoted to my level of incompetence."

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