Kind of Human Milkness

I.

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A wretch of a homeless man sitting on the pavement said, "I've not eaten for two days." I told him: "I wish I had your will power."


II.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.


III.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "No worries, dear, you're bound to lose it eventually."


IV.

As I approached the bank, I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any Change?" I said: "Nope, you're still black."


V.

Snow in the forecast. The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.


VI.

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks "What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus!" the man says. "Do you want me to be callin' Fadder O' Riley for ye then?" "No tanks, mister," says the boy, "sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment."

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Dental Etiquette

The pulchritudinous Salty Slivers entered the dental surgery with the customary trepidation.

The dental assistant took care of the preliminaries with all the efficiencies known to Lesbos.

Then the great man himself strode merrily into the surgery, flashed the customer a rictus of blinding fluorescence and, approaching the reclined dental chair, inquired: "And how are we this morning, then?"

Whereupon an expression of total incredulity instantly transformed his visage.

Salty, having grasped the dentist's bollocks in a grip a two-ton vice would have envied, gazed steadily up into his stunned bloodshot eyes.

"We are fine this morning, doctor--thus far. And I'm sure there is nothing we would do to cause either of us any pain, wouldn't you agree?"

.

Blonde Joke

Salty Conundrum

"If it were possible to cross an agnostic with an insomniac dyslexic," writes Salty Slivers, The Journal's Perfidious Albion Bureau Chief, pictured right, "would this result in someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog?"

Born Hymen Ziegfeld Shapiro in 1898 to an Irish emigre family in Upper Hants, Salty Slivers was forcibly sex-changed at age 7 on the basis that it was either a clitoridectomy or else removal of both hands. Pursuant to a bad war dodging constant gunfire from members of her extended family, it graduated from King's College Cambridge where he distinguished herself by being the first woman to take a First in Fellatio. She was voted Epiglottis of the Year in 1952. Following a torrid affair with Kim Philby, during which time it starred in James Jesus Angleton's classic noir Dick Tater of the Proletariat, she hire-purchased religious conversion in 1961, going on to serve ten years in the Franciscan monastery at Gdansk, Polack where she serviced the labor movement, Solidarnosc. He lives today in the West Country of a large island off the coast of France.

Devine Intervention

An aide rushed up to Bill and handed him the secure cell phone. Bill flashed her No. 11--The Smile of Sensual Understanding--watched as her lashes fluttered over the baby blues, then carefully observed the two puppies fighting it out in the infinity of her ass as she walked away. He put the phone to his ear.

"This is the Commander-in-Chief," he squeaked. He sounded more like Andy Devine every day now.

"Bill! It's wonderful news!"

"Hi hon'! Who's this?"

"Bill, it's me and you stop that shit or I'll break that pecker-stub off completely!."

"Just kiddin', hon...."

"Bill have you heard the news?!"

"No, I don't think so," said Bill, suddenly nervous.

"Well, they say it's good news and bad news. But for us, it's nearly all good news!!"

"Wul, what happened hon? Don't keep me in suspense--I gotta know if it's good news for a change...."

"Bill--the Martians have landed in Philadelphia!!"

"Is this a joke...? Is it my birthday...?" He scanned the room for an aide who could confirm or deny it was/was not his birthday according to the latest polls.

"No joke, honey! The Martians have actually landed in Philly!"

"Oh my sweet baby Jesus!" exclaimed the former Commander-in-Chief, "I'm sorry I kept all that Roswell shit suppressed now, I wonder if it'll fuck up my legacy...."

He drifted off for a nanosecond, then forced himself back to the present.

"You say that's the bad news?"

"Yes!!"

"What's the good news?"

A note of pure exultation entered the candidate's voice for the first time in nearly a year:

"THEY'RE HEADED WEST, DARLIN! EATIN' NIGGERS AND PISSIN' GASOLINE!!!"

Jocop Redux: The Spinster

At day's end, a woman well along in her thirties and still single, wearily trudges through the garden gate and up the walk.

Her mother, seeing her daughter's approach through the window, suddenly rushes out onto the porch and clutches at her wildly beating breast.

"Oh, Praise Jaysus, Chelsea, there's rice all over your hair! You've gotten married!!"

"No, Ma. A chinaman threw up on me."

Frightfully Good Show

Lufthansa

Salty Slivers, London's first Professional Drinking Facilitator back when it still counted, rushed into The Sun in Splendour one evening after work, sat down, lit a cigaret and drew carefully on the pre-delivered gin and tonic. Bo Stenberg, a student of aviation in order to avoid it, was there.


“Well I finally found out what it means,” she told him.

“What.”

“Lufthansa. You wanted to know what it meant.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did. I found out. Chap at work told me what it means. It’s an acronym.”

“No it isn’t.”

“'Tis.”

They drank and smoked quietly for a few minutes.

Then Stenberg couldn’t take it anymore.

“Well then, what’s it mean?”

“I’m not saying.”

“I’ll buy you another drink.”

“Well if you must know,” she said.

“LUFTHANSA—Let Us Fuck The Hostess And Not Say Anything.”

When Will It End

A Jew sits next to two Arab men on a flight from New York to Miami. The Jewish man kicks off his shoes.

Meanwhile, one of the Arabs says he would like a coke. Since he was by the aisle, the Jew says, "I'll get it for you," and goes off in his stocking feet.

While he is gone, one of the Arabs spits into the Jew's left shoe. Later, the other Arab says that he too would like a coke and the Jew goes off to fetch it. This time, his right shoe gets spit into.

As the flight is ending, the Jew slides his shoes back on, and through his socks, he feels the squishiness. He immediately figures out what has happened and exclaims, "Oh when will it end??!! When will all this enmity cease, the hatred, the anger, the spitting in shoes and the pissing in Coca Cola??!!"